Santa Is a Lesbian Goddess

December 24th was a fever dream of a day. And it shouldn't have been, at least not for me. No christmas trees, no reindeer shaped lights, no carols, no mistletoe. Just another day. Because guess what?  Christmas is just an obsolete fairytale milked by the hands of capitalism and I refuse to participate by baking funny shaped cookies and edible buildings. My time is much better spent working so I can actually make some difference and better the world.

    That morning I made myself a cup of coffee with a dash of cardamom, prepared breakfast for Violet to eat when she woke up, retreated into my home office and got to work. The quiet morning was disturbed a couple of times. Once by an ambulance driving through the street, then a child threw a tantrum somewhere nearby which made all the dogs in the street howl. The last disturbance came as a treason from inside of the house at half past nine when Violet barged into the office, screaming.

    "Santa is coming! Santa is coming!"

    I was shocked.

    "Honey, we've been over this before. Santa isn't real. Science is."

    "But he's on TV!"

    Violet was a bright, ten year old girl and I made sure she understood well that not all movies they show on TV portray reality, not even the live action ones.

    "What are you talking about? Did your imagination get the better of you, darling?"

    "Come! Come! You have to see this!"

She dragged me by the hand, sat me down on the couch and put on the news channel. A large image of Santa filled the whole screen with the caption 'Have you seen this man?' At the bottom of the screen where the latest news used to show ran the text: 'Japanese children wake up to discover their actual wishes had been granted. Prime minister Fumio Kishida calls for an investigation, refuses any speculations of extraterrestrial involvement.'

    "See? Santa is really doing it this year."

    It must have been some comedy sketch. Not particularly funny. I took the remote and changed the channel. The guide said Shrek 2 was just about to begin but instead here too was Santa. More news. The attempt at comedy seemed to be spreading. A young reporter was interviewing an Australian boy. The kid looked about eight years old and was very eager to talk. 

    "My truck is super big, like a house. But with Ninja Turtles on the sides. And...and... super big. Dad says I can't drive it because I'm not... I don't have a paper. I'm gonna wish for the paper next year."

    He was cut off and what had to be the boy's father appeared on the screen, looking troubled.

    "We don't have anywhere to park it. It's huge. And what about the car insurance? Wasn't sensible of Santa to give such a thing. We'll probably have to sell it."

    The reporter turned to the camera. "This was not the only unreasonable gift delivered mysteriously during the night. We'll monitor the situation further and let you know as soon as we find the kid from Canberra who'd wished for all city transport to be turned into giant kangaroos with cozy pockets."

    Violet had started to jump up and down.

    "He's real! He's real! He's real!"

    "Calm down, love, and think for a second. Giant friendly kangaroos can't be real."

    But the TV channels all looked like this. And they talked about friendly kangaroos, dragons, unicorns, stylish fairies and more unrealistic creatures that reportedly came to life by Santa's power. Some even showed rather realistic video footage.