the lonely

sad sap

I'm ok," I said on the bathroom floor. Scoring my arms over and over. Blood dripping down my snowhite t-shirt. In the back of my mind, it echos the words I've once said long ago, scaring my memory, "I know it's not anyone's fault." Sometimes I think to myself "if I could change this fucked up world, how would i? When or where would I start? "

Sobbing from the pain, I drop the knife, folding into myself. I lay on the bathroom floor, rocking myself back and forth. Pretending that it will be alright. Covering my ears as I let out a ghastly scream.

Panting to catch my breath, I get up to find myself in the mirror. Staring at myself, I begin to feel a slight change in my vision. This causes me to get dissy just for a moment. I take a big sigh of relief and sit on the toilet.

Treating my arms and legs, I realize how dumb I am and that I have work tomorrow. I mean, it's not like it's gonna make much difference, I always come late and with baggy eyes. So I'll just wear a hood and sweatpants. What if somebody touches me, or if my sleeve falls when I try to get something up high, what if my bandages bleed thru. "Stop it, I'm just over reacting,". I'll be perfectly fine. Hopefully. I don't get that much attention when I work in the back, so I'll just ask if I can work in the back instead of the front tomorrow. I'll be fine.

Carefuly putting everything back into the cobord. I took off my shirt and put it in the washer, leaving me bare with only my thoughts and my leftover clothes that were on me.

I know I will regret this, but I can't stop. It's like a drug; once you try it, you can never stop. I mean, all I've known is pain and suffering, so I might as well just make my life more miserable. Ever since I was a child, my life has been a riding roller coaster. My dad left when I was 3, my mom was a dropout and druggie, my best friend left me to drown until someone saved me, I mean it was a complete stranger, she didn't even get help. Now im just a sad sap who doesn't know what to do with her life. I'm a complete mess.

I take off my clothes and get into the shower. hoping that if I take a shower, it will wash away my pain, my memories, and what's ever is left in my mind. Now that I think about it, I don't think being a lifeless zombie would be that bad. I rinse  my hair, I scrub my body raw.

*sigh*

I take a deep breath until my lungs collapse and give in.

Getting out one step at a time, I realize maybe I'm not that worthless. What if I can find someone who loves me or at least likes being around me.

Brushing my teeth, I also grab my hair brush and start brushing my long black beautiful hair that's waist length.

When I have spair time, I also read a couple of books or so. It takes my mind off from my shitty lifestyle. If I can just escape this world for just a second, it would be worth it. That's why I read, I escape from what's really there and disintegrate into the book into my mind. It's very peaceful at times, others, not so much.

"Shit, it's 12:30, I gotta go to bed." As I hurry to catch up with my legs, I rush to my bedroom.

Turning the hallway lights off on my way. I shut the doors behind me, leaving no trace. It's like a maze.

Finally reaching my room, I collapse on my bed, cirling up into a ball under my blankets. Slowly but surely, I start to drift off to sleep.

*ring* *ring* *ring*

Eventually, waking up to my alarm, I struggle to turn it off. Taking my hand and rubbing my eyes. Stretching into a werid shape, I finally get up.

Putting my clothes on; a hood and sweatpants, I start my truck. I brush my hair and teeth thurally as if my life depended on it. Thinking about last night,  I couldn't help but slip out a few tears. Looking in the mirrors, my cheeks were as red as cherries and my nose. Washing my face with worm water it quickly goes away. I tried to catch up with the time I scrambled out the door and into my car.