"my first lines have always been saturated with pathos, but this time it belongs entirely to Jan.
JanJanJanJanJanJanJanJanJan.
How many sheets have I already written off in a fit of inspiration. no, not that word. overly trivialized it.
There have been so many actions and people in my life, thanks to which new and new lines appeared on those sheets of paper, but this time, it seems to me, he surpassed them all.
His expressive big eyes (from which I do not want to take my eyes off for a second) I could now trivially describe with shades of colors, but this is not for his case. even I hardly have enough strength and words for this... they are the color of overcast sky and summer twilight rain. Their gaze could be so provocative and cheerful, as if still with youth, and could be penetrating, that you want to tell all your innermost secrets ...I can't stop writing about him now, even though a whole sleepless night has gone into it. but I can sacrifice a few more if I have to. he's perfect.
right down to his facial expressions and voice. yet in my headphones, his songs play on repeat without stopping. their lyrics I'll tell you when I wake up in the middle of the night, because I already have all the words exactly written down in my subcortex. as well as the melody of each of his songs. and also... " "
- Hello? - I suddenly heard his voice behind me. Hurriedly and probably a little too nervously closing my notebook and putting it together with a pen in my shopper I turned around and smiled sincerely at him.
-Hi
Hell, he probably saw exactly what I'd written in there. I should have hidden everything less abruptly so that even if he didn't see it, he wouldn't guess what was in that notebook. I got too immersed in writing, which is bad for me, especially if it's in the middle of the day. Now I have to mentally pack myself back up and weed out the lyrical thoughts.
I arrived before the appointed time by about ten minutes. We agreed to meet at one of the many cafes in Warsaw. After last night, I couldn't help but suggest it. He, in turn, of course, agreed.
I sat down at a table outside. The evening sun was still warm, but not as mercilessly as it had been during the day. The wind gently swayed the leaves on the trees.
- It's good to see you. - I said, and got up from my chair when I saw him open his arms and lean over to hug me. He was becoming a surprisingly tactile person as he got to know people better and learned that others were okay with that personality trait. I, of course, was all for it. Pulling away, I looked him in those unreal eyes.
-You look tired. Is everything okay?
- Yeah, sure. - He smiled softly and took the chair that was across the table, slightly pushed under our table, pulled it closer to me and sat down.
"Today was another rehearsal, and we were coordinating outfits,"- he frowned, but then, as if he'd quickly forgotten about it, his gaze became serene and the barely visible wrinkles smoothed out on his face, "It's probably not that interesting.
He looked at me, as if scrutinizing me. His wavy hair was loose and slightly tangled from the wind outside. There was a small chuckle on his lips."...and I also love his facial expressions, smile and laugh to no end..."
- Yeah, I remember. You mentioned yesterday that you're into music. - I tilted my head slightly in his direction as I smiled.
-You won't believe this, but I've already listened to a few of your songs.
Of course, I was lying out of my ass. Not a few. And more than once.
- Oh," he said embarrassed, lowering his head and smiling shyly, "What do you think?
- Great. It's like being in Paradise. Every time.
I stammered at the unexpected reaction from myself. The answer flew from my lips before I could stop myself. But honestly. Maybe under different circumstances I would have said the same thing, but with more restrained words and more modest facial expressions.
He looked up at me over my slight hesitation. His eyebrows were raised, clearly bewildered by my sudden enthusiasm.
- Yeah," I tried to continue, "I especially like the one where it's something like:
...I don't think I'm gonna sleep tonight.
'Cause you're still inside my head...
- When I'm laying in my bed
And I wish that you were here by my side," he picked up as soon as he caught the motif of the familiar song.
Stopping to sing, we both sat there and just smiled at each other. Without any hidden speculation or self-interest. There was no tension in the air or anything worse.
He realized I said those lines for a reason, didn't he? Because of the similarity to my situation?
- I'm sorry, I'm a bad singer. - When he started to open his mouth to object, I quickly continued, No, no. Just try to tell me you're not. It'll be too fake. I can probably do a lot of art-related things, but singing isn't one of them," I smiled wryly, suggesting that I was just being facetious.
- In that case, I won't show you anything. But if you want, I can give you some lessons sometime, he continued after a short pause, lowering his voice, for you.
The sun had not set behind the clouds, the heavy downpour had not begun, but the atmosphere of our conversation had changed perceptibly. Though perhaps the wind had gotten a little stronger.
- As corny as it sounds, I'm about to say something strange."...looking into his eyes makes you want to tell all your innermost secrets..."
And I really wanted to do it. What's that saying? Better to do it and regret it than to regret what you didn't do. The inspiration he'd graciously given me would last a long time anyway.
His gaze seemed to hypnotize me. So I continued in a mesmerized voice, still holding eye contact:
- "You are beautiful. Your character, your disposition, your looks. Everything. You are. I'm very happy to know that you and I are kind of friends. And, uh, you know I like to write poetry, right? I've written some new ones in the last 24 hours. Thanks to you. About you. I couldn't just stop thinking about you. About your perfection. Such and such just doesn't exist.
Toward the end of the speech, my gaze went lower and lower. It felt like I was stripping naked in a public place. For as open and straightforward as I was, I had boundaries. Those words that came out of my mouth from the bottom of my heart crossed them. For him, too, I guess. I couldn't catch any kind of response from him. It was a very unpleasant aftermath taste.
- I'm sorry. - I said. I felt like it needed to end. My gaze went to the floor, and my body involuntarily turned away from him. It was hard to control my emotions.
There was a rustle of some sort from his side. After a few seconds, his hand gently grasped my chin and turned me toward him. Now our gazes met again. I couldn't read his emotions from beneath his lowered lashes, but what wasn't there was disappointment. Though I'd never claimed to be empath of the year.
His face was tilted extremely close to mine. I don't know at what point it happened, but now I could hear his breathing. His eyes "the color of overcast skies and summer twilight rain" peered into my soul, and his hand was still resting on my face, barely touching it, as if afraid of hurting it. I didn't know what to do in this situation. I wasn't afraid to move, I was afraid to breathe.
My gaze lowered again.
And I covered my lips with his. It was desperate. My heart tended to beat faster in anticipation of his response. In the meantime, I continued. Slowly. Not daring to put my hands on his shoulders so as not to scare away the illusion. His palm still held my chin.
I didn't feel any resistance or response, but I pulled away and met Jan's gaze.
