training under eteri

.13 points

RUSSIAN SENIOR NATIONALS
12/19-23/ 2018

(internationally i still had a year left before i could compete as a senior, but in russia, i qualified.)

while in canada, my 4T had been an increasingly hard and stressful jump for me. my team decided to make my program a little easier by taking out the quad toe loop. they instead added in a quad lutz. the lutz jump was by far my best jump, and the easiest for me, but i am still fearful that i will some how screw it up.

4S+3A
3F
4S+3T
3Lo+3T
4Lz
3A
3Lz+1Eu+3S

..

over this season, i have built an increasing fear of loosing, which has become somewhat debilitating. in my mind currently, being anywhere but first, is loosing. second and third place aren't good enough anymore.
in practice i am constantly stressed and nervous of disappointing people, which makes me perform worse.
i can barley make it through a practice without crying, or having a panic attack.
i am exhausted.

i've tried to express this to my coaches, but i keep hearing,
" у вас осталось еще два соревнования в сезоне. после юниорских национальных соревнований вы сможете отдохнуть, а пока вам нужно выкладываться по полной."
( you have two more competitions left in the season. after junior nationals you can rest, but for now you need to suck it up.)

—

leading up to senior and junior nats, ive been looking forward to the vacation after junior worlds.
sasha and my family's have planned a joined vacation to greece. i know once this season is over, i'll have time to destress, and prepare mentally and physically for the 2019-2020 season, but then once again i am in the same exact spot.

—

we arrived in saransk russia after a 2 hour flight ride, which i spent peacefully sleeping.
all of the skaters and parents ended up staying in a shared house/ air bnb, while our coaches got their own 5 star hotel, which i didn't care much about because it's much more fun without my coaches there.

—

we arrived to the air bnb at 2am, and i went straight back to bed, because i love to sleep. i woke at 9, completely devastated that i had to get out of bed, but i had no choice. our practice starts at 11am and i didn't want to get this competition started on a bad note.

the sessions both lasted about 4 hours,
11am-3pm
5pm- 9pm
the next day was the short program which started at 2pm, and ended at 4.30pm.

—

aliona, sasha, alina (zagitova), anastasia (tarakanova), polina (tsurkaya) and i all stood in a curved line while facing the coaches off the ice,

" не разговаривайте с евгения . если вы это сделаете, вас уволят."
( don't talk to evgenia. if you do, you will be withdrawn.) eteri warned us before stepping onto the ice.
—
" хочу поговорить с ней, просто чтобы нажать на кнопки этерис."
( i want to talk to her, just to push eteris buttons.) i whispered to aliona while taking off our guards.
" я знаю, я тоже. это было бы так смешно."
( i know, me too. that would be so funny.) she said while laughing,
" я не хочу, чтобы на меня кричали."
( i don't want to get yelled at.) i said,
" на меня и так уже достаточно кричат."
( i get yelled at enough already.) i followed up with.
" по крайней мере, ты не алина. удивительно, что этери не швырнула в нее бутылкой с водой или еще чем-нибудь."
( at least you're not alina. i'm surprised eteri didn't throw a water bottle or something at her already.) aliona says, as we both laugh.
i feel something touch my shoulder, and i turn around to see who it is,
" выходите на лед. я не понимаю, почему вы оба стоите и разговариваете."
( get out on the ice. i don't understand why you two are standing around talking.) daniil scolded us, while both dudakov and eteri were giving us the stank eye.