𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐞 » j.g × j.w

o n e

johnnie

therapy sucks.

i'd rather be home than be here.

"you've been here for almost ten minutes and all i've gotten is a 'hi.' are you okay?" rachel asks.

i refuse to look her in the eye.

she scribbles something down in her notebook.

"johnnie," she says softly. i still don't look at her. "are you okay?"

i exhale sharply before replying. "i'm fine."

i feel her eyes on me.

"did you relapse?"

my eyes widen and my chest begins to hurt.

"what makes you think that?" i ask quietly.

she's silent for a minute.

"you're quieter than usual and i've noticed you've been fidgeting with your sleeves. you can be honest with me, johnnie. this is a safe place for you."

i don't say anything.

what i've learned with therapy is if you say the wrong things, they'll put you on a psychiatric hold. how can it be a safe place when there's a high chance i'll be stuck in a hospital with little to no contact with the outside world?

"even if i did, it's nothing bad. they're just scabs at this point."

rachel jots something down in her.

"that's not an admission to anything but w-what are you writing down?" i ask. my heart feels like it's gonna explode any second. i'm gripping the armrests so hard that my knuckles are turning white.

"olivia! what are you writing?" i shout, tears welling in my eyes.

"johnnie, you need to calm down."

"calm down? tell me what you're writing or i'll leave this fucking office!" i shout some more.

she sets the notebook and pen down. "i'm just jotting down some notes. you do realize i have to take notes during every session with you, right?" she says.

"i know that. i'm just trying to stay out of the hospital for once!" i feel like i'm gonna die.

my heart feels like it's gonna beat out of my chest and my breathing is so rapid i think i might pass out.

"johnnie. i promise you won't be put on a psychiatric hold. i need you to talk to me. how's school? how are your friends? how's mom?"

i glance at her. she looks sincere.

i relax a bit.

"school is school. it sucks. i don't have any friends."

she glances between me and her notebook. "no friends? there's gotta be at least one person you can turn to at school," she says.

i look at her, tears welling in my eyes. "i have no one," i whisper.

rachel looks like she just heard terrible news. "i'm sorry to hear that," she says.

"i mean, who would wanna be friends with the weird emo kid who wears long sleeves in the middle of summer? no one wants to be associated with that. i'm a freak. and that's all i'll ever be."