Hated and Forgotten // A Sanders Sides story

Chapter 2

Warning self harm

//Virgil's POV//

Roman bursts into my room having not even bothered to knock and I instinctively roll my eyes. Nothing good ever comes out of it when he barges into my room, come to think of it nothing good ever happens if Roman is noticing me at all. But despite everything in me telling me to shove him out I look at him " What do you want? "

Roman matches my glare before walking over, getting uncomfortably close to my face " You are such a brat. We offer to have you with us at breakfast and you barely even talk to us! We were trying to be nice but nooo, you're to good for us huh!? Well let me tell you something, you are not better than us! Not with all of the fuck ups you've had lately! I don't even know why we keep you around " he growls viciously, spitting every insult at me without any hesitation. He doesn't even stick around for my response before shoving me and striding out of my room like he just saw me as something to blow off steam on.

I clench my fist but I can't bring myself to be mad at the words he spat at me as I know it's all true. Those same thoughts if not worse things have entered my head before, actually those thoughts constantly run through my head. I just want to scream, but of course they would hear that so there's no point in doing so. I dig my nails into the palm of my hand trying to distract myself from the one thing that my mind is screaming at me to do. I don't want to but every nerve in my body is screaming at me. Do it. Do it. Do it. I let out a frustrated sound before pacing around my room finally going to my closet and pulling out a set of old paint brushes and paints along with a pallet to put the paint on. I than grab a pencil and walk over to a blank space on my wall and start sketching, doing anything to keep my mind distracted. I paint multiple hearts but as they progress they get more and more broken until the last one is two halves of the heart. Than I color each heart in with the purple paint and look back at them as I finish. And I can't help the quite sad laugh that escapes from me. I'm such a mess that honestly it's sad sometimes.

You're so worthless.

No one would notice if you were gone.

Why did you ever think you'd be accepted?

What's there to like about you?

You're a disappointment.

You're unwanted.

You're useless.

You make everything worse.

Mistake.

The thoughts bounce back and forth in my head, I've tried to stop them but no matter how hard I try nothing ever works. But even as I fight against the thoughts I know they are true, so maybe I shouldn't try and push away the thoughts. Maybe the other thought is correct too...I would deserve it. My gaze than falls onto my drawers again and I bite my lip looking at the door before again looking at the drawer. I stand up and close my door again before locking it this time, making my way over to my drawer and opening it. I pull out the blade I've kept in there for a while turning it back and forth in my hand for a while, weighing my decision. But I've already made up my mind before I'd even picked it up. I slide off my jacket scars already covered my arms, some of them newer than others. Some of them were still that bright pink color in the beginning stages of scars but I didn't care. I pressed the blade to my skin only hesitating for a second before quickly sliding it across my skin. Before repeating the process. One. Two. Three. Four...and so on until my arm shook and there was blood on my fingers making me pause only to grab a cloth and wipe off some of the blood on my arm and switch to the other arm continuing the process on the other arm until having to wipe off both arms. Blood now ran down my arm and I had to dab it away every few minutes to keep it from dripping onto the floor. I looked down at my arms letting out a breath, while I watched the blood running down my arms my head was silent for once. I looked at my legs contemplating continuing on my thighs but I was quickly turned away from my thoughts as I felt a tug. I shoved my blade back into the drawer and quickly put on my hoodie and put my usual expression on before taking up my place on the stairs in the living room where we'd been summoned.

I cross my arms to make sure that my sleeves are fully down and there's no traces of blood as I listen to the bickering between Logan and Roman on what they should do to help Thomas. But at least for once the malice isn't aimed towards me, but I can tell that Thomas is anxious. I try to think of a way that I could help but before I can intervene Patton starts talking to him and even makes him laugh. I frown slightly at that but at least Thomas is okay now, that's the most important thing even if I wasn't able to be the one who helped him. I let out a breath but the two of them are still arguing and honestly it's starting to get annoying especially with how it's effecting Thomas. So I step in " Would you two stop it already? Can't you see that the arguing isn't helping at all, the only thing that it's actually doing is making Thomas more anxious than he already was and upsetting him even more. If you two want to continue arguing take it somewhere else because it's sure as shit not helping here. "

They both stare at me in shock for a few seconds, Roman despite his shock looks slightly embarrassed along with mad but seems like for once he doesn't make any comment on it. Logan on the other hand even though he does seem slightly upset he also looks a bit impressed before he dips his chin to me " I apologize Virgil for my behavior. " he than turned to Thomas " I am deeply sorry Thomas, I didn't mean to cause any distress for you. "

Thomas smiled at that " It's okay Logan don't worry about it, you're also forgiven princey I understand that you two just want to help "

" Maybe instead of you two fighting about what it best we could come up with a compromise and it might end up being an even better idea than your original ideas! " Patton chimed in with a sheepish smile on his face.

The other to slowly nod in agreement and instead of arguing start to slowly talk it out with each other on how they could accomplish both of their goals, finding out that they had the same objective in mind just different ways to do it and they ended up combining their ideas. I listen to their talk, my frown deepening. The two of them get grace when they fight and are even smiled at and still appreciated for their arguing and making Thomas upset but they can never give me the same treatment. They always assume the worst of me even when it wasn't even my fault and I'm just trying to help Thomas. I've gotten in trouble for things that weren't even my fault but I just so happened to be there so of course it's all Anxiety's fault.

I lean back on the stairs with a scowl on my face, what did I ever do to them that they can only assume the worst of me? I've done everything I can to try and make them accept me but it's still never enough. I shift my arms a bit, the blood starting to stick to my sleeves and dry there. I slightly pull my sleeves away from my arm with a small wince as it tugs on the wounds but to no surprise no one notices. Soon everyone is starting to wrap up and Thomas is smiling again as he ends the video and stretches his arms above his head. " Good job today guys! I'm gonna do some editing and than head to bed "

I immediately sink back down to my room perfectly content to get away from there. I sit on my bed staring at my reflection in my mirror. I hate it, I hate that mirror. I hate what I see in that mirror. I look back down at my arms my sleeves hiding the cuts underneath but I can feel each one and it's almost like I can see them through my sleeves. But what I can't stop thinking about is how good it felt to release some of that pain in a physical sense even if it caused pain for once I had control over myself. And the roaring in my head had calmed down for a bit. Every time I do it there's the same result, for once it's pain that is within my control and I really shouldn't like doing this to myself but...I can't help the urges as I lay down in my bed putting on my headphones and turning on music to listen to.