Hated and Forgotten // A Sanders Sides story

Chapter 4

// Virgil's POV//

      Before I can think too much about that thought I start to hear yelling and screaming. I look up from my phone but I'm not even sure if I want to go look and see what it's about. But I drag myself out of my bed and open my door peeking out slightly, so I won't be noticed. But I don't see anyone in the hallway so I make my way out of the room. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't shocked when I walked out of my room and I saw Janus in the living room growing more heated as he talked to the other sides. I couldn't quite make out what they were saying. All I could see was the anger on Janus's face and Roman and Patton also starting to grow angrier and angrier. I was about to go back upstairs when I heard Janus yelling.  

      " Don't keep this up and he will just get worse! " He still spoke in lies but I couldn't help being confused about who he was talking about? He was probably talking about Thomas but what was happening that we could be making worse? Were they talking about how much I've been harming Thomas lately...I wasn't trying to but maybe I've been having a worse effect on him than I thought. I couldn't help myself as I sniffled slightly, so lost in thought I hadn't noticed I was starting to cry and I quickly turned on my heel and ran up the stairs. I don't think I'm just doing and I slam my door shut locking it and sliding down the door tears streaming down my face, hyperventilating. Why am I always doing something wrong, I don't try to be a disaster this is just how I am. I can't think straight right now all I can think about is how much they hate me. 

      I pull my knees up to my chest crying into them, I just feel so useless and they didn't even notice me on the stairs. That's how little they care about if I'm there or not. They wouldn't even know that I heard that whole conversation but then again why would they care? If I was gone it would solve so many of their problems. They would be better off without me no matter what Logan says. I sniffle and take a small deep breath trying to calm myself down. I wipe away my own tears and put a hand on my chest trying to steady my breathing as I close my eyes, breathing in for four seconds, holding it for seven, and breathing out for eight. I repeat the process a couple times until my breathing is somewhat normal again. I slowly get to my feet and look at myself in the mirror, god I look awful. Eyeshadow running down my cheeks with tear streaks in them, my hair is all messed up and even my clothes look rumpled. I hate how I look but most of all I just hate me. There's barely anything good there anymore, if there ever even was anything good there. I'm such a mess no wonder the others hate my guts. 

      I jump when I hear a crash right outside of my door. Then an insistent banging on my door followed by a shout " OPEN UP THIS DOOR NOW! " I really don't want to open that door hearing that it's Roman shouting. Who knows what kind of steam he wants to blow off just because I did the slightest thing wrong. Why does it have to be now that he remembers I exist? Why can't he just go back to ignoring me and thinking I don't exist. But his banging knocks  don't stop and I slowly make my way over to the door and unlock it before he comes barreling in yelling " Why'd it take so long for you to open the door!? " But before I can even open my mouth to give him a response he shoves me down onto the ground and throws a script at me seething. " Thomas was so anxious about this show that he didn't audition at all! " 

      I put my hands up in defense " I didn't even know about any show! " I put my hands in front of my face. He just stares at me, anger radiating off of him looking like he was about to hit me but he just shoved me again before leaving muttering underneath his breath angrily. I shakily got to my feet and sigh rubbed my arm where the script had hit me. Damn that hurt especially as it hit me where some of my cuts were. But I sat down on my bed biting my lip and flexing my hands staring at them.  

      I don't know where to go from here, everyday just feels like hell and nothing I do will ever change that. I can't even think properly half the time. Everything is either blamed on me or they forget that I even exist. I didn't think I would ever actually miss Janus and Remus but sometimes I do. I don't miss the feeling of being a dark side but then on the other hand that's all they ever see me as anyways. I just want to be accepted and loved and yet even after they have "accepted" me it doesn't feel like that at all. It still feels like I'm that same person who would have to hide from all of them or face even worse consequences. I bite at my lip looking at my drawer again. I really shouldn't do it two days in a row but no one is actually going to notice...but I shouldn't. I groan and cover my face. These thoughts are too much, I just want them to all stop...why can't they just stop. I stare up at the ceiling letting all of the thoughts wash over me trying not to focus on any single thought so that they would hopefully have less effect but I can't help feeling so numb, I just can't feel anything like I should be able to. I don't feel normal...but I guess I'm not normal. 

      Breathing in once, and letting out. In and out. In and out. Slowly I start to drift into the blissful darkness that is sleep.