twelve.

a letter to han jisung

"i love you since i was twelve and will continue to love you if i had the chance to live with you again"

-☆

i watch you grow, from someone who loves to sing to a singer itself. back then you may not know me or recognize me or you've seen me, but i was the kid with glasses that have no friends. i was the kid who puts letters at your locker everyday until we're high school students.

i'm glad you appreciatey efforts, the way your eyes lit up everytime you see my brownish paper, the way you munch happily on your favorite chocolate that i gave you with the letter. im happy you like it and you didn't throw it away.

i know this is weird, and it's been a while but do you remember in our last year of high school i suddenly stop giving you my confession letters for a period of time?

i once eavesdrop your conversation with your friends of how devastated and sad you are after i stopped. i'm sorry i didn't mean to. it was just that time i learned that i have cancer and i have no cure for it. i needed time to accept the fact that one day i have to stop giving those to you.

and for a while i continue to give them and im glad you look happy again. i wish i could give it to you every second, just to see you smile.

it hurts tp love someone you have no chance with. though i know from the start this would only bring pain yet i still wanted it so bad.

i was the kid who sits alone and would only stare you from afar as you were laughing with your friends. thinking about it now i was glad none of you guys noticed it because i wouldn't have to answer on why i was staring at you.

years passed, you were already on your first concert. i remember being eager to buy your ticket despite of my health.

i sit at the far away from you and i'm glad and proud of you achieving your dreams while i'll never achieved mine. i wish i could be a dancer but looks like god knows better.

the fansign start and when it was my turn you asked me "you seem familiar, have we met before?" i smiled at the question.

i'm glad you do notice me before and even remembered me. i was scared at first you might not know me and you would only blend my voice as one of your fans only.

i simply told you that we went to the same school and i have never seen your smile being so bright before.

you gave me your number and we texted for hours. still, i never had the courage to tell you i was the kid who gave you letters since we were twelve.

you told me you never really loved anyone and i was glad to hear that despite knowing a 'us' is impossible.

now you're known to the world and i'm stuck, lying in my deathbed as i waited for my time to come.

we would always hangout on your free time. i wish this could be longer and everyday i hoped for miracles to happen.

but i guess you noticed small things. how i was getting thinner, how i was getting weaker. the fact that you even asked me threw me off guard sometimes.

i would always answer your questions with a 'i'm tired' because i know its the half-hearted truth.

maybe you do notice i was getting a bit distant as you keep on bugging me about it. yet i always avoided the question.

it keeps on repeating that it went to the point it never float in our conversation again.

that evening, when you told me to meet you at the park, what did you want to tell me? i'm sorry i didn't go.

i can't, jisung im sorry but i was weak, my hair was falling off and i wouldn't want you to see me in this state, a weak side of me that should have never be seen by you.

you texted me three hours later saying it was ok that i didnt come since you assumed i was busy and it had been raining already.

but it wasn't ok for me jisung, did you wait me under the rain with nothing on? did you really hoping to see me that time? did you use an umbrella or a rain jacket at least?

and you texted me goodnight, and i wait for me having the courage to reply to you. all i manage was to stare at the chatbox as i get lost in my head.

and i received another text from you and i remember crying myself to sleep as i read it, "lee minho i love you and i feel like i have to tell you now"

i didn't know what to say, jisung. it felt like hours but i remember texting you i was sorry.

i didnt explain why nor did i tell you i feel the same way too.

i'm sure you're confused as hell but now you know why.

guess the world is fucked up for us isn't it? were we too late? or we weren't meant for each other?

it hurts. why? why do we fell in love at the wrong time?

we became the story i hate the most,

'right person, wrong time'

as i write this, my heartbeat is getting slower, my eyelids feel heavy and i wish to rest. i'm passing this letter to the doctor and asked her to give it to you.

i hope in another universe, i was healthy. i hope in another universe, you love me from the start. i hope in another universe, we could be together.

han jisung,
i loved you and will continue to if i was given the chance to live again.

but now i'm tired and i hoped you understand.

i loved you since i was twelvw until i was 23.

twelve,

twelve was my favourite number,

twelve december 2012 was the date i started loving you,

twelve was the number of your badminton jersey and my volleyball jersey,

twelve was the age i started loving you,

and if i live for another year it would be twelve years of loving you,

twelve december 2023 would be the date i stopped loving you as my breath was getting shallow,

and lastly,

you were perfect since you were twelve.

thank you for being my safe person even from afar.

thank you for being you.

han jisung,

i love you.

love,
lee minho
12/12/2023