I Will Never Stop Trying to Get Away From You - Narcissistic Trauma Story/Rant

The Slightest Ray of Sunshine

Narcissistic abuse is so tricky and the most awful thing to happen me. It has completely altered the way my brain works. I have learned to absorb emotions from birth, but being with a narcissist means someone takes that gift and uses it against you. I have a mass love for people and love caring for others. I genuinely enjoy being kind and helping other people, even if they don't deserve it. Maybe that was why she found me in the first place, but I think that eventually my genuine heart made her hate me. I think she knew that I was a truly good person, and god, that scared the crap out of her.

I knew that she was insecure - I could feel it. In all those hours of her non-stop talking about herself, I had discovered that she was incredibly insecure about herself and who she was. That is, when she wasn't at church.

Holy crap, she was and will always be a bad person. Not because she went to church, but why and what she did at church. I know how addicting it can be to think highly of yourself because you feel close to god. Even if you're taught that you are no more than gods servant, it's easy to think that your better than other people because your close to the almighty. Of all that is holy, she really thought that she was as good as God Himself. She helped out with the little kids at her church. At first, I thought it was because she likes kids, but I also knew that she had a general distaste for them, because they're so honest and she 'didn't trust it'. Now, I know she liked 'hanging out with little kids' because she loved control.

God, did she like control. Over everything. Everything had to go her way or else it was no longer worth her time and ever-loving attention. That's why she liked to "help out" with the kids at church and the Freshmen class. She could feel in control of other people, which made her feel effing amazing. Like she could finally love herself because she could hurt someone else whenever she felt like shit on the inside. Not only that, but "helping out" with other people made her look like a good person. My god, I joined so many organizations and positions because I had a genuine interest and passion for helping other people besides myself. And there she was, too. Acting like a god damn saint because she had a reputation for being a good person.

I can't express how badly I wish everyone knew the truth about her. How deeply I want to scream at every single person and warn them about how fake she is and that she's a damn good actress who's only gonna ditch you when you no longer bend to her will. I've thought about screaming at her. Hurting her. Ripping out her fake-blonde hair just to satisfy that rage inside me that is crying for revenge. For some kind of god-forsaken justice. But I guess that's where the real justice and peace comes into play.

I won't let my anger get the better of me. I won't hurt someone else to make me feel better about my emotions. Because I'm not her. And I never will be. I have grown enough to know my own feelings and not express them like a child. I will never ignore someone when they are not responding to me like I want. I won't pretend like they don't exist when I've found a new person to terrorize.

I'm. Not. Her.