The Trouble With Wanting

Chapter 5

Tessa woke up alone despite her dream convincing her that Osha was at her side. She recalled their conversation the night before and the decision she had struggled to make, she had to separate her feelings from their friendship. Easier said than done, she told herself as she rolled out of bed.

After Tessa was cleaned up, she met Osha in the kitchen preparing breakfast. They were alone again; just the two of them, the way Tessa preferred it. They spoke of their plans for the day in detail before they separated to get ready for their day. An hour later, they were on a trail, on a hike, and had stopped for an impromptu but planned picnic by Osha.

"When did you do all of this?" Tessa questioned about the spread placed before her.

"While you were getting ready."

"You're just..." But, Tessa didn't finish the thought. She wanted to tell Osha how amazing she was but she held her tongue because she felt it was more than what a friend would say.

"I'm just what?"

"Nothing," Tessa replied, "This is great." She popped a miniature carrot in her mouth as she changed the subject. "So, have you thought about her lately?"

Osha knew the 'her' that Tessa was referring to, her ex, the one that Osha took a long time to get over, and Tessa wasn't sure if she had as yet, at least not fully. The topic of exes affected them differently, with Osha's ex, it hurt but with Tessa's, there was anger, which was quite possibly her hurt in disguise.

"I do but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to."

"I guess time does heal." Osha gave a sigh that suggested she didn't agree with the term and her expression followed suit.

When would Osha's ex, someone who wasn't even worth Osha's time, stop affecting her? Soon, Tessa hoped. The same could be asked of her; when would Tessa's ex stop affecting her? Soon, she hoped more than anything.

"Do you ever get lonely?"

The question caught Tessa by surprise and the truth was, she did and she was lonely. "Yes," was her honest answer and she noticed the desperation in her voice, "But I'm okay," She added to mask her disheartenment. Tessa pulled a pack of cigarettes from her jacket pocket and brought one to her lips. "I'm okay," she repeated with the cigarette between her lips.

"Tell me the truth," Osha urged her, calling her out on the lie.

Tessa lit her cigarette, drawing the smoke into her lungs all the while holding eye contact with Osha, who was waiting patiently for an answer. Should she tell her the embarrassing truth or stick with the lie that she was okay?

"I'd give anything to get laid right now," Tessa went with the truth instead and Osha laughed believing it was a joke but Tessa was ninety percent serious. She chose not to correct Osha because her desperation would only be embarrassing.

"You don't have any friends who you can hook up with?"

"Surprisingly, I don't know many bi or lesbian women. I mean, I have a few friends but no one I'd want to sleep with." She took another drag of her cigarette. "I'm not comfortable with any of them like I was with my ex. There's no trust there, no feelings so I get nothing from it, nothing satisfying." She snubbed the cigarette out in the grass, losing the desire in it with the topic of their conversation.

"This is why we need to find you someone." Tessa groaned at the idea. "Come on, tell me what you're looking for in a woman."

"I don't know," She shrugged, "If I said I'd take anything, does it make me sound desperate?"

"A little," Osha replied, "Or maybe you're easy to please," She reasoned, "But I don't think that's the case, you have to have a type."

"Are we talking physical stuff or personality-wise?"