The Trouble With Wanting

Chapter 7

"Ouch," Tessa said jokingly, hoping to ease the tension weighing heavily around them. "Maybe you're right but that hurts."

"I'm sorry," Osha muttered, "I just want to see you happy." A moment passed before she reached out and placed a hand on Mena's thigh and added, "Like I am. Like we are."

What was that, Tessa asked herself. Was that Osha's way of saving face because she was almost certain that Osha revealed more than she had intended to with her statement earlier or was Tessa grasping at straws? Something had been there, all those years ago but Tessa missed her opportunity and she was left to wonder if that door was still open.

After that, the conversation came to an abrupt end and they allowed the radio to be the soundtrack to their respective thoughts. She wasn't sure of Osha and Mena's thoughts but hers reflected optimism.

***

They were back at the house but there was no time to rest, no time to think, though Tessa made time for it as she showered. The day wasn't quite over; they still had a show to attend. Tessa wished for more downtime but she couldn't go against Osha's schedule of events she planned specifically with her in mind.

After a quick dinner, they were at the theater in no time. Tessa shed her coat, scarf, and hat as she took her designated seat. Leafing through the program and busied her mind with reading it from cover to cover until the show began.

Tessa didn't expect the show to be any good or that it would capture her attention and hold it that was until Osha's fingers brushed lightly against her arm. For a moment, Tessa believed it was an accident, from the corner of her eye, Osha's arms were folded across her chest, and with their proximity, no contact would be impossible but it continued and Tessa's body reacted; it stilled, her heart raced and her mind was in chaos.

Could she be imagining it? She wasn't. The touch felt deliberate, it felt intentional, it felt real and it felt good then it stopped. She was overthinking the "accidental" touch and she shook the thoughts from her mind as returned her focus to the stage.

Minutes passed before her focus was disrupted again with Osha's hand on her knee. The touch was brief but felt like minutes to Osha who admonished her mind for rationalizing the act. Her mind reasoned that the touch was a result of a joke that happened on the stage, which was quite funny if Tessa was being honest, and the tap of Tessa's knee was expressive of that but her heart suggested otherwise, her heart was convinced that it was intentional.

Was it Osha's way of saying that she felt something too but how could Osha subtly hint at an answer, when Tessa never asked the question?

She glanced at Osha in the muted light; she was still laughing at the ongoing joke on stage and their eyes met for a brief moment that carried no subliminal message, just happiness. She lived in that moment for a few seconds before the continuing scene took it away.

Nothing else happened after that and Tessa had spent the remainder of the show analyzing the previous touches and anticipating another lingering touch that never came. To say she was disappointed was an understatement, she was distraught and wished she had reciprocated if only to test the validity of the touch.

"So did you like it?"

"Yeah. It was pretty good," Tessa answered as they were ushered out, "I didn't expect it to be that good."

"I'm glad you liked it."

"How was it for you guys?" Tessa could tell that they had both enjoyed it, yet she would ask to be polite.

Mena sang her praises of the actors and Osha concurred with her assessment. It was moments like those that made Tessa question her motives; the couple seemed so in harmony that they had the same thoughts, feelings, and observations on everything and there she was, trying to destroy their simpatico relationship. But, what was life without a little resistance, a little excitement? She could be that for Osha, a change of pace.

On the ride home, Tessa came up with a plan; well it wasn't much of a plan, as it was a request that she hoped Osha would fulfill. She hung back as they entered the house and as Osha and Mena started to retreat to their bedroom, she stopped Osha from heading behind Mena. "Can we talk?"

"Sure." Osha made her way back into the living room. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Not here." Tessa kept her voice low. "I know it's late but can we go somewhere? Just you and me." Tessa could see that Osha was torn and she was sure that the indecision had everything to do with Mena but Tessa hoped that she would say yes and if she did choose her, it had to mean something. "One hour."

"I need to run this by Mena first," She said after an extended pause before she exited the room to seek out her girlfriend.

Tessa paced as she waited for what felt like hours as opposed to the five minutes it was. "So, can we go?" She asked Osha as soon as she reappeared.

"Where are we going?"

"I don't know. I thought you could take us somewhere," Tessa answered. "Maybe a bar."

"Why do you want to go out?" Osha questioned. Tessa could see the hesitancy in her face and she knew Osha needed a little more to go on but she couldn't tell her yet, not there with a floor between her and Mena and definitely, not sober. "What do you have to say?"

"Please," Tessa begged. She didn't want to give anything away. "Just one drink, we'll talk there and come back."

Osha gave her a scrutinizing stare before she gave in and grabbed her keys. The car ride was silent and Tessa used the silence to get her thoughts and her words together. She was grateful that Osha allowed her that time to get her shit together.

As soon as they arrived, Tessa beelined for the bar when she entered the business. She ordered two shots of tequila, a whiskey and Coke, and a drink for Osha. When the barmaid had poured both shots, Tessa grabbed one in each hand.

"Is one of them for me?" Osha asked when Tessa down the first shot.

"No." Tessa grimaced at the taste of the first one. "I need both." She downed the second one then picked up her drink, taking a swig to chase the two shots.

"What's going on with you?" She stopped Tessa from finishing off her drink in one gulp. "You're making me nervous."

"I'm making myself nervous," Tessa replied with a nervous laugh as she paid for their drinks. "Let's grab a table."

She turned and sought out a table with Osha following behind her. Tessa slipped in the chair, finished off her drink, and looked every which way except at Osha.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"I'm trying."

"Just open up your mouth and say it."

"Well, we've known each other for five years or so right?" Osha nodded, "And you've been such a great friend to me during those years even with the distance."

"And you have too."

"Thanks," She brushed off the returned sentiment, "But I always hoped or rather wished that our friendship would change."

"Into what?" Osha asked, "And would you look at me."

Tessa was still avoiding eye contact with her, she knew that if she looked Osha in the eyes, the words would be harder to say but she gathered up an ounce of bravery and looked her friend in the eyes.

"Into something more," Tessa finally said, "More than friends," She clarified. "I don't know if you knew but I had a massive crush on you in college and even now, I still have those feelings." Osha was silent, too silent as she blinked owlishly back at her. "Are you going to say anything?"

Tessa gave her a few seconds to get over the initial shock, and a few more to construct a response but those seconds turned into minutes and when a reply finally came, it was in the form of Osha standing and walking out of the door, leaving Tessa to wonder if she had made a complete and utter mistake.