Kelsey's World

Tuesday 23rd June 12.42 AM

Here we are just about to start up again what I've been trying to do for the previously ten years of my life: keeping a journal. This time, anyway, it's going to be a little different. For the first time I'm publishing my personal thoughts online. It could sound crazy, but actually no one knows me or cares about me so I think I'm just going on with this whole thing: all I want is to find somebody who understands, even if this is not probably the right way to.

The last few years have been horrible, there's so much to tell I don't even know where to start, so I'm getting back to March 2012.

My life seemed to be perfect: I used to be the smartest student in the whole school, I had been dating Dylan, the perfect boy, for three months and I was getting a scholarship to a prestigious school in my town. I didn't really care if people didn't like me at all and I didn't have many friends, because the one I used to have was the bestest.

Tony and I had known each other since we were at the kindergarten and he was my soul mate, I believe it. Even though I was in love with Dylan and I still am, he was actually the only one who could totally understand me. That's why everything started: I loved Dylan but I also cared for Tony. Anyway, I'd never had thought things were going to change. It was a evening of March when a friend of mine, Cathy, who was about to leave for Australia sent me a text on facebook: " I want you to know this before I leave. Tony has been having a crush on you since year seven." That moment literally destroyed my life.

It's not easy at all to dismissal you best friend feelings so all I had been trying to was to explain him that I loved him, true, but not how much I loved Dylan, that our love was mostly brotherly love. I think this was wrong. He kept courting me, literally, as a gentleman, sending me flowers, playing songs for me, paying for me whenever we met, he really knew how to get a girl. Somehow I had feelings for him and something changed between use when Daisy at the School End Party forced me to kiss Tony in front of Dylan during truth or dare. I think Dylan and I sort of broke up, if I think at that time I don't even remember a single kiss.

It's comprehensible how Dylan reacted. He was broken. And when I saw the bright blue eyes of him filled with tears I understood I loved him more than everything else. I decided to definitively dump Tony. Then the real problem started up. After I told him I didn't want him to show up around me and Dylan anymore he started up with those phone calls at two in the morning, those threats of his suicide, and the pretty liars I started to tell him.

I promise I'll dump Dylan one day.

I promise you will be my first time.

I promise I will marry you.

I lied.
I didn't want any of these things, all I really wanted was Dylan, but I couldn't stand the idea of somebody killing himself because of my love. I knew I was just making things worse for the three of us and what I needed was probably the ultimatum I got from Diego in July: "Chose: me or him."

I chosen Dylan. And I don't regret it. Still today he is my boyfriend and I love him more than everything. After Tony left my life I had no longer friends but I got an A in all of my finals so I got that internship. My life was perfect again as soon as the new school year started. Now I was a student in a prestigious high school and every morning my perfect boyfriend picked me up and took me to school. He is older than me but at least now we were in the same school and every break was the right chance to make out a little. My grades got lower, first they became B's then C's and sometimes I even got D's and F's. I didn't care, i knew it would had been harder to get decent marks there and I was too much worried about my new friends: Sadie, Abby and Madison. I also got a sort of flirt with a lesbian girl in my class, Sheila, but nothing serious and it turned into a friendship.

The 7th of December was the Town Festival Eve, everybody was planning ahead what to do the following day, and I remember I was watching some shit on TV when I rudely told my father to shut the fuck up. I remember it so well and I cannot forgive myself for it.
That night when he came back from work he was terribly pale an he said his chest was hurting, nut he didn't want to go to the hospital, my mother and I forced him. When we got at the hospital they said he was just going through some food poisoning, but then at six AM of the following day his heart stopped. I cannot describe how hard these months were, my life started to suck again, but I needed to be strong I owed it to my mother and my sister.

I'm not willing to spend another word about how terrible that year was and on that summer I cheated on Dylan again, so if I had lost my best friend and my father I was about to lose my boyfriend too. But he forgave me. I cannot describe how thankful i am to him and I cannot think of a life of mine without him. That year I also found out Abby and Madison decided to hate Sadie and me and turned into the worst bitches, or at least they pathetically tried. Even though we didn't care a lot about it, it took almost one year and half for us to find a new group of friends. That year anyway wasn't so terrible, not, at least as the previous and the following.

During the Summer I had the chance to go to the WWA One Direction tour and I literally fell in love with 5sos and especially Calum Hood, as you can see from the other thing I have been writing. I was so angry at not taking the chance to know him when it was possible I started hating my whole life. I hated my boyfriend, my new friends and even Sadie, I hated school and teachers and I kept everybody out. I don't think it actually was for Calum, I think he just was the petcock from with I tossed out all of my pain for the things happened in the previous years. I only let in my sister Lucy and my internet friend Darcy. This thing ruined my year. I risked to lose my internship and I tried ti kill myself twice until my aunt forced me to see a therapist. I didn't lose the aid grant, but I'm having some trouble with it and more over Dylan is going to attend college next year. He won't be next to me any longer. In the latest five months thanks to the therapist I let things go and I managed to fix my social relationships but I keep feeling so misunderstood.

I decided I'm going to leave. I'm not sure if I'll tell my family, but I'm moving to London and starting a new life as soon as I'll turn eighteen on March. I don't want to live here with my demons anymore.