The Twelve Days of Christmas

Chapter Fifty

The next morning we were in the dining room, all three of us together and alone for the first time since the king had died. Alex had been so absent and busy with the matters of running a country. Even when he had been around, there were always other people there demanding things from him.

There was food laid out on the large antique and remarkably shiny dining table. It was nothing less than a feast. Katie was busy piling her plate with eggs and bacon, while Alex concentrated on sipping at his coffee. I just sat there staring at it all. The idea of eating anything made me want to puke.

I had always been a nervous person and an over thinker, but the situation I had found myself in had only made things worse. My stomach felt like a tight ball of nerves and the weight of them was pulling me down. It had taken every ounce of determination I had to even get out of bed. It seemed ridiculous to me as I had laid there. My brain telling me that I needed to get out of bed, but I couldn't do it. I wanted to. I just couldn't. Almost like the signals from my brain were no longer reaching my body.

For the longest time, I had just laid there frozen to the spot. Begging my arms to move, my legs, I would have even taken the movement of my little pinky toe. The anxiety had gotten too much, and it had taken over. It was the driving force of me and there was no fighting it.

The only reason I had made it down to the dining hall was because Katie had come bounding into my room, expelling excitement with every muscle of her body. Even when I had told her I was exhausted and needed to go back to sleep, she wouldn't listen to me. Dragging me bodily across the bed before using her head to push me out. I had landed with a crash and I had still considered just staying there on the floor.

I felt like I had already used all of my mental energy of the day just with the worry of everything. Thinking through every way I would end up getting hurt by Alex because of his role. All the ways in which the institution would control my life just to make sure that I couldn't affect his role. Even just considering the idea of never being able to work again because it might not have been said, but I knew that would be the case. The role of queen would be the only one I would have if I were with Alex.

"Are you not going to eat something?" Alex pulled me from my thoughts unexpectedly. He was giving me a quizzical stare, and I wondered how long he had been watching me.

I grabbed the teapot and started pouring myself a cup, thankful that I had a distraction. "I'm just not a big fan of breakfast. Normally, I am busy baking and the last thing on my mind is eating." It was a complete lie, well, sort of. Alice and I normally shared some pastries once the bulk of the work was done.

"Understandable with all those sugar treats you are whipping up. I'm sure there are some days when the idea of seeing another slice of chocolate cake is like hell on earth." I gave a force and fake chuckle and focus on putting sugar and milk in my teacup. One thing about being in the palace was that the tea service was lovely. Unlike my own mismatch of tea ware, the palace had an original and full service apparently gifted to the country towards the end of Queen Victoria's reign.

Alex was doing so much better. The wake seemed to have helped him come to terms with everything. He was in a much better mindset and focusing on the future. The storm clouds had vanished from his eyes and replaced with a brilliant summer sky. It was a relief that he was doing better.

I already knew he had been working before breakfast, knowing him probably for a couple of hours at least. He had only stopped to be at breakfast with us, then he would be straight back to work. How long will that last? How long before you are alone at the breakfast table? Business will always be more important to him. The little voice in my head was becoming more and more nasty and critical. I shook my head slightly and tried to put her back in her box.

Before long, breakfast was done, with me not having touched anything but a few sips of my tea. I knew it was brewed just like it was back home, but it didn't taste remotely the way it should. I couldn't put my finger on what it was, but something was just off. It was just one more reason for me to miss home. No point in missing home. You won't be seeing it again if you want to be by Alex's side. No more English tea, no more Alice, no more bakery, no more anything from your old life.

I headed up to my room. I needed to check in with Alice and, more importantly, I needed to hear her voice. It only rang once before she answered and I hoped that was a sign that she was missing me as much as I was missing her. "It's just me. I wanted to check in."

"Hey, erm, you alright?"

"I'm okay. Is it a bad time?" I knew her well enough to know when she was distracted.

"No. I needed to ring you, anyway. There's a bit of a problem."

"What sort of problem?"

"A flood sort of problem. I would have called you sooner, but I have been busy trying to get it sorted. There's water coming through the ceiling from the flat into the bakery. I got here to open up, and it looks like it's been going for a while. I rang a plumber who very helpfully explained how to turn the water off. He's coming this afternoon. He sounded rather cute."

"Is there much damage?"

"I'm afraid there is. Some of the ceiling has come down and there is water everywhere. I'm just trying to get some of the worst of it up now." It felt like the universe was trying to send me a sign. It put a blockage in my tracks and I had no choice but to decide to turn back or stay on my current path.