Sobrang grateful ko sa unang taon— i don't know if naging proud ba sila sa akin or a disappointed.
Hindi ko na inalam. Basta grateful ako. Maayos akong umuwi— maayos nila akong kinausap that I have to go back to my parents. Reason? Hindi na nila kaya. And I understand.
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In the middle of conversations with my mom and sister, kung saan ako mag-aral. I heared my papa saying bad things about me. That i am ungrateful, I am nothing, I am shameless, useless person.
Those words makes me cry and ask why?
what's going on?
Until now, when I am sad or alone— Yung mga masasakit na salita ay naririnig ko pa rin like it happened yesterday. Walang pagbabago. Pareho pa rin yung nararamdaman kong sakit.
Pinagkaiba lang, napapatawad ko na sila pero hindi ko maalis-alis yung sakit sa tuwing inaatake ako ng anxiety; lalo na kapag mag-isa nalang ako.
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You think, I'm happy?
Do you think, I have a beautiful life?
Do you think, I have a perfect life?
I wish, I had.
The reason why I distance myself from anyone is because I want peace. At gusto ko na ring magpahinga sa sakit na nararamdaman ko.
Sa tuwing nasa isang lugar ako na puno ng sakit nang nakaraan, hindi ako komportable. May ganun talaga tayo, eh.
Patawad kung ang lugar na yun ay kung saan ako lumaki.
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Kung ibang tao lang sana ang magsasabi sa akin na ganun, hindi ako manghihina. Hindi ako masasaktan. It won't matter to me. Never.
Pero yung sarili mong ama— hindi lang doble, hindi lang triple yung sakit. Paulit-ulit akong dinudurog.
Syempre, hindi nila alam yun— kasi hindi naman ako nagsasalita. Basta ang alam nila, matapang ako, kaya ko, matigas ang puso ko...
The hardest feeling is when you need them but then, they think that you are strong enough to face it---- hahayaan ka nilang mag-isa.
Thanks to them for shaping me into who I am today.
I am still grateful for the pain, struggles that I experienced.
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At the end, kung saan nag-aaral ng High School ang ate, dun ako. I thought, my life would be better.
I thought, kapag nasa poder na ako ng mga magulang ko--- mag-iiba ang takbo ng buhay ko. But I was wrong.
I know that my mom works hard. I have no problem with that.
(And now, I feel super guilty for not helping her when I was in high school. )
My problem was love.
