Lost Atoms

Chapter 13

"For the family?" Ma shouts. "Do you even hear yourself speak? No, seriously. Do you hear yourself sometimes?"

"How can I hear anything over you?" Mom quips back, slamming her hand on the table. "You just never know when to shut your mouth!"

I close the front door quietly behind me and Cail. We beeline it upstairs to my bedroom without a hello. I'd rather not be pulled into the argument and asked to pick favourites.

It's been like this with Mom and Ma since Ezra died. Actually, they fought before then too, but Ezra and I would distract ourselves with blanket forts and glowing screens. Although still stuck in the same house, we had each other to help drown out their arguments.

"It's guaranteed they're not even arguing over anything that matters," I say to Cail, closing my door. I take off my windbreaker, which is soaked from the rain outside, and hang it up on a hook to dry. "It's just the same thing every day."

Cail hangs their sweater over my chair and puts on a dry one from my closet. They take a seat by my desk. "Why is this backwards?" they ask.

I look at them and see they're holding a framed photo. As I sit on my bed, I reply, "Oh, uh, it's just been a lot for me to look at it all the time."

The picture is a selfie of my brother and I, a month before he died. I'm wearing blue-tinted sunglasses that have since disappeared, and we're both smiling wide. It's from a day spent, like many others, in his car, the first beacon of physical escape from our parents that we'd ever had. We'd drive around the city and listen to music with the bass turned way up. Windows down, breeze flowing through my hair, I felt untouchable.

It's been a year since it all ended. And in that very same car.

Cail puts the photo back the way they found it. "You never talk about him."

I rest my head on my pillow and stare at a spot overhead on my ceiling. "Well, what is there to talk about?" I ask. "You've met him before."

"That's not the point," Cail says. "There are certain things that only you two shared, and if you never talk about them, you won't heal."

I raise my eyebrows at Cail. "Okay there, Doctor. Since when are you an expert?"

Cail smirks. "I lost my parents in another timeline, remember?"

Despite joking about it, I know it would utterly break Cail if they lost their parents. They are really good people.

"Okay, fine. What do you want to know about him? You get one question."

"Alright, uh... what's your best memory together?" they ask.

I think. I know what the memory is, but I don't know if I want to share. It feels exclusive, between the two of us, like I'd break his trust or something by sharing it. But Cail's eager eyes and my promise for one question draw the story from my lips.

"It was the long weekend in May, I think." I breathe in and out a few times as I bring the details of the memory to the front of mind. "He'd just gotten paid from his job and we spent the whole weekend together. We got a hotel in Montreal, then visited Ottawaand Toronto on the way back. It was planned for a while, and at the same time, we had no plan, really. Just spent the days exploring, and the nights watching movies and swimming at the hotel pool."

Cail leans forward looking at me. I continue to stare at the ceiling. "I felt safe because I was with my big brother, y'know? We were far away from all the family drama, and all his worries. On the way back, we stopped at the National War Memorial. They have a grave there called 'The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.' We didn't plan to find it, but there it was. So, we just stood there and looked at it. And this'll probably sound lame, but I had, like... a realization."