blessed

new years resolutions

2. a lukewarm Christian
Covid became a hard point in my life. I was blessed in a few things, but they never really outdid the negative. I used to be someone who was always happy. Over the five months of my mom's diagnosis and when my school shut down for Covid, I remember my close friends at that time notice my slow absence in their lives. Only one actually asked me about it, but I lied because I couldn't tell anyone. Once Covid started, I had no friends at all. I didn't have a phone to contact any of them. Not even the miller's, they took Covid a little too serious.

My family left my church because of our pastor's beliefs and because the kids my age there abandoned me from their activities together. They spoke that I shouldn't associate with any other denominations. We tried different church's and we eventually didn't go for a few months because of Covid shutting everything down.

It was rough living with a mother who rarely got out of bed and did things. Only talking about negative things. I remember as the weeks went by, my faith in Christ diminished without me realizing it.

I took account of this lukewarm relationship with God for almost 3 years. After Covid let up, I was able to go to youth group and became an official member of my best friend's church. My relationship with God only existed because of a thread of string trying to keep two cars going the opposite direction.

My relationship with Christ fell even worse when I found out one of my friends claimed that he wasn't even considering me a friend, just a normal classmate. That I was a loser and no one liked me. This was during school, two weeks before it was finished in eighth grade. It was also the year which the Miller's did homeschooling. They yet had gone back to youth group.

This was around the time I realized my relationship with Christ was barely holding on, although I tried to get that relationship again, my mind was not part of it. I was doing too many worldly things. I had ungodly online friends, I was reading Harry Potter and placing myself in that universe, I still struggle with separating myself from that franchise at times. I told myself I was okay, I was saved and baptized. My family told me that I was saved, and I would go to heaven. I never knew of the verse "But I reply, 'I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God's laws'." (Matt 7: 23 NLT) until I actually started my relationship with God in 2023.

In 2021, my friendship with the Millers came back, we acted like nothing ever happened, just as if it was March 18th, 2020 (the day after we put to asynchronous classes). I remember seeing one of the twins when I was talking to some of the girls at youth group. I don't think I was ever so happy to see someone again. I think it was one of few of my true smiles I had in a year.

That summer, there was a chance that I did have to stay with the youth pastor's family from youth group. The family knew of the situation with my family slowly falling apart that summer of 2021. Luckily it was only a week. Although that week allowed me to became extremely close with the family. I started viewing them as a second family and they even started to help me with my sadness and depression I grew over the year.

That summer was also when I became more close with one of the Millers. His friendship with me became more important to me than a lot of other things.

Everyone except for the pastor's family thought I was okay, even my own family, because I acted like everything was fine. And I had become a really good actor. All until one night at Bible study.

I went to bible studies with my youth and i remember one night, in October of ninth grade, i told the youth group about mom's condition and that it had been affecting me significantly. At this time, we were going back to school with masks, and some things seemed to become better, expect for the fact that my family was struggling financially still.

My youth group quickly was prone to pray for me, they cared and reached out to me, yet I didn't want that. I was surrounded by God fearing people, and I didn't want help. I was worried my best friend would feel angry towards me for not telling him for two years and one being apart from each other. But instead he felt responsible for my feelings.

And even though things were seeming to get better, it didn't. 2022 then became the worst year of my life.

The first half still was a struggle with my family and mom's depression. I got a job at my local ihop in April and I was happy. But it quickly took away my time to spend with my youth group and Christ centered friendships. I still tried going to youth group, but a lot of times, I didn't see them for a month. The second to last day of school, I made the best but worst decision of my life. I ended my friendship with my best friend, one of the Millers. I will never forget the look on his face when I told him without reason. I still remember that I didn't get any sleep that night, and the next day, I saw him in his home room. The person that I swore I'd never hurt, had bags under his eyes, eyes were blood-shot red, and he was staring in space. I destroyed him while i destroyed myself.

That summer was hard because the month after we left school, it was our youth trip for a week. I slowly was healing and I blamed God for not stopping me from ending the friendship. I tried multiple times to restore the friendship with him, but he still was hurt. At this time, everyone in the youth group knew about the end of our friendship. Only two people knew why. One knew both sides.

And yet, I still acted like I had a relationship with Christ. No one could know.

Near the end of the summer, I seeked counseling. I'm happy my family decided to do a Christian counselor. I was worried about what my mom would say. She always said I didn't have mental health issues. I still hadn't been able to got back to youth group. It was actually almost six months before I saw them next.

My workplace added stress and depression to myself, but my mom kept saying I had to work to help pay bills. So I did. I stayed.

It wasn't til December at youth group when we were ice skating that I realized that I didn't know God truly. I was talking to one of my friend who became a brother to me when he told me that I needed to have help and listen to the words. He was the only one that realized what was wrong.

So at the end of December, I made a New Year's resolution.