I guess it's me

It's all in your head

It's all in your head everyone says. It's not really happening. Your only thinking that way because your doing drugs..
Same as always. Same voices of everyone around me.
Yes I used to be on drugs, and that would explain some of the things I was feeling at that time. Now it's been 5 months of me completely sober. So what's the reason now that I still feel the same way. I still hear the same things and have the same feelings. So how is that all in my head now?? Doesn't make sense to me.

How am I supposed to be happy with my life and move forward like "normal" people do. Why am I the one who has to always keep my mouth shut. And turn my head the other way. I mean I say anything out of what people expect then I'm the one who gets shit on. Can't express how uncomfortable Iam everywhere i go.
I can't even go to my own boyfriend's house because it even happens there..
Don't know if it's all me or if people are just fucking with my mental state or what's going on. All I know is I'm fed up. I'm sick of it. I would like nothing more for people to be truthful to me about why they are playing games with my mind and can't just come to me like someone who actually cares about me would.
Feels like I'm constantly being watched and judged on everything I do.
But funny how it ONLY happens when I'm around the same certain people.
If I'm fucking crazy then I would be fucking crazy all the time. Not just in certain situations with certain people.

My fucking boyfriend pretends to be asleep beside me. Pretending to talk in his sleep. Just low enough that I can't fully make out what he's saying. Then when I address him about it. He lies to me and says he didn't say nothing. I must have heard it in my head..
Makes me feel like he's entertaining someone else when I'm asleep right beside him and when I ask about it. He says he don't know what I'm talking about..
Whispering to who ever the fuck he's really talking to. I know it's not me.
You know when your sitting there in silence and there is no conversation going. Then out of no where someone starts to have an out loud conversation with someone else. But there's only you and them in the room no one else. So who you talking to. Who the fuck are you really talking to when you make sure that the conversation isn't one with me. And then I'm the one who sounds fucking crazy and thinks I'm losing my mind.
Straight up. None of this crap even makes sense. And it sounds even more fucking crazy when I try to explain it out loud.
So if I'm actually hearing shit and nothing is going on. Then I should be in a fucking padded room and on a lot of damn meds.
But that sure isn't the case.
Nope. I break right now and literally beg the people I'm going threw this with to just fucking stop playing with my fuckong head. And come to me straight like a damn normal person would.
Nope. Because all I ever get is it's in my head. It's not happening... Like fuck!

When the same thing over and over and over and over again is continuing to happen and I can fucking call it before it even does. Then that's not in my fucking head.
That is someone purposely toying with my emotions and my thoughts.

Worst part is it's the people who are supposed to be the ones who care about me. Or so they say they do. Yet all I can see is me becoming more and more distant from everyone everyday.. me turning mean and disgusted with the actions of people around me. Shutting myself off from everyone. I mean why the fuck would I want to express how I feel to anyone if these people.
They may think in their own little twisted fucking brain that what they are doing is helping me , or because they "care" about me. Well if they can see how bothered Iam about everything being done then they would damn well know that it's not helping me at all. It's just making me more and more incapable to move forward. Making me grow a strong dislike for every single one of them. How it's doing nothing but making me question everything I do or anything I feel.
I keep everything bottled up because I can't explain it properly. And if I do. It's just more and more of fuel for them to continue the fucking bullshit they are doing.

I've cried myself to sleep the last week. I trust nothing anyone says to me. If I could I would just fucking vanish. And never come back. And that's what comes out of me being sober and wanting to be happy.

Great way to make sure someone doesn't want to stay clean. Why when clearly my fucking life is a big game to everyone else. No one actually cares enough about me to even tell me the truth to what's going on. Or give me peace of fucking mind for anything.
To think i wanted to get sober and have a life with my man , and clearly no one around me even cares to see that.

Continuing later. Can't even grasp words at the moment just fully disappointed