Hey Punk, Keep This a Secret

Shower Thoughts (Part 1): Devin Milan

(I'm not exactly sure how to start this. I guess since it's about shower thoughts, I should start with the shower itself. Yeah, that makes sense.)

I sat around for about fifteen minutes lost in thought while I waited for the water to warm up. When it finally did, I sat on the bathtub floor as the hot water covered my body. Some people say it feels like a hug, and they're right about that for sure.

While I was showering, I started to wonder if Landon knew why I came to his house. I haven't told him, because I'm scared he'll send me home if I do. If I go home, I think I'll die.

I'll tell *you* why I'm here, though, because it's not like *you* can grow legs and tell anyone else.

I came home after a long shitty day. Damien was on the phone with one of his friends, gossiping about Danny Stewart. Everybody knows that she missed school today, but of course he had to gossip about it anyway. I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes, because if I did he'd beat my ass.

I went to my room and took a nap. By the time I had woken up, it was already an hour later. Not long after, Damien came upstairs and told me that our parents wanted to talk to me.

I already had a terrible day, thanks to getting my math test back with an F and having my snacks stolen by Corie after tripping and dropping them. And I was exhausted! The last thing I wanted was to be ridiculed by my parents. On a regular day, I would have been scared to defy them. But on this day I said, "No. Tell them I don't wanna talk right now."

"Oh boo hoo," Damien rolled his eyes at me, "did you have a bad day?" When I returned a furious look, I noticed that he was tossing a small notepad in his hands. The curiosity wasn't quite killing me, but it was present enough that I wanted to ask.

"Yeah, I did have a bad day, thanks to your popular friends stealing my snacks," I groaned. "What are you holding, anyway?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," Damien said in response.

That was when he really started. He lifted me from the bed with all of his strength, then pinned me against the ground at full force. I couldn't scream loud enough for my parents to give a shit.

"Shut the fuck up," Damien shouted.

I could feel the blood on my face. I begged him to stop.

"You *are* going to talk to mom and dad, or we *are* going to have a serious problem," Damien said.

I started to cry. "N- No! Leave me alone," I said.

"You must have some big balls to be talking to your older brother that way," he said. Suddenly, his hand was in my pants. "Do you Devin?"

He meant it more literally than you think..

I remember blaming myself. It wouldn't have happened again if my belt was still on. I should have been more careful. I should have just listened. I told myself these things until I believed them.

I went to shout again, but Damien had his other hand around my mouth. "Don't cry for help you little shit. Nobody is going to come. All it'll do is blow out our ears," he said.

I ignored his comment, and I kept screaming into his hand until my throat closed up completely.

Oh, dear god, just thinking about it is going to drive me nuts. I can't do this.  I'm going to-  What if I-  You know what fuck it, I'll continue this later. When I'm not being a fucking disappointment. Goodnight.

Devin