Chapter Fifty-Two

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He didn't show up for class again

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He didn't show up for class again.

I couldn't decide if that made me angry or not. On one hand, his absence could hurt his grades, but on the other hand, I knew he was doing it to spare us both the awkwardness. Yet, it didn't make things easier. My hope that avoiding one another would alleviate the pain slowly diminished as each day felt worse than the last.

I missed him.

The constant ache in my chest refused to subside, and he was never far from my thoughts. I dreamed about him too. They were usually filled with memories or twisted scenarios, some of those nightmares were of him with someone else, or of him saying more hurtful things. I had yet to have a good night's sleep since he left.

And it didn't help that everywhere I went, people spoke about him. I'd hear his name or moniker every time I walked to class, or when I went to Beanz to get my morning coffee. Even the library wasn't safe from conversations about his upcoming game.

Which was today.

Part of me had considered going, maybe bringing my brother along as an excuse — just to ensure he was okay. I genuinely hoped he was, knowing full well the pressure he faced. But there was also a darker, spiteful side of me, one I tried to ignore, that hoped he was hurting just as much as me. I always felt so disappointed with myself when I entertained those thoughts. How could I ever want to hurt him or his future? I wanted him to succeed.

Maybe I just hoped it would be with me by his side.

I sighed heavily, dropping my pen to rub both of my aching eyes with the palms of my hands. It was only eleven in the morning, and already, I yearned to go back home, retreat into my blankets, and shut out the outside world.

At least when I moved for my internship, I wouldn't have to be constantly reminded of him. Sure, Topeka, Kansas wasn't too far away, but it would put some much-needed space between us.

Yesterday, I finally sent my answer to my advisor, Ms. Harold. And then I phoned my dad and told him everything. After listening patiently, he agreed to help convince my mother, knowing full well she'd put up a fight.

And this morning, as if to solidify the decision I'd made, I received confirmation that I was leaving after finals week, just before winter break. The news both terrified me and filled me with a profound sense of sadness. It was starting to sink in that I'd be leaving my family behind, saying goodbye to Dale, and... Tristan.

Forcefully swallowing down the lump lodged in my throat, I began packing up my things, preparing to leave the study room. It felt like I was admitting defeat, but I just couldn't seem to make any headway with my work. I thought being elsewhere would help me concentrate better, but instead of finding solace outside of the house, I felt even more on edge. Every passing face made me tense up, eyes darting around in search of him. It was becoming downright irritating.

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