Having a crush on someone that the universe will never give to you is something truly cruel. It plays with your heart, your mind, every panel and lobe of your brain. You manipulate yourself into believing this person likes you.
You over-analyze texts, you view a single glance to be full of longing and desire when it's really something that a stranger would give you. One look, walk away, and they never think of you again. And yet you'll think, "Oh, they definitely love me. We're going to get married soon!"
It sucks, doesn't it? All you want is for this person to want you as much as you want them. You want them to think of you when they listen to love songs, you want them to look at you and yearn to hug or kiss you, you want them to be on top of you (or under you), looking at you with eyes full of whatever you want them to be full of.
You dream about them, think about them, want them to hug you when you have a bad day. You notice little parts of them, whether that be parts of their personality or a hidden freckle on their face. You smile when you text them and sober yourself with the thought that they're probably not smiling while texting you. It's heartbreaking but sometimes, you need a quick shot of reality. Or maybe the whole tequila bottle is more your style.
It's okay, I deal with it too. One and a half years is not super long in retrospect but when we're talking about unrequited love, it's practically a thousand lifetimes. Oh and don't forget about the daggers that insert themselves into every square inch of your skin whenever they mention they have a crush that isn't you.
It's sad, but hey, it's life. Life works weirdly, maybe your teenage love will never like you back but then you meet someone in your 20's that turns your world upside down. Or maybe it's the other way.
Just think about it this way: everything's made to love. Cheesy, I know, but it's true. The way a humans' hands perfectly cup another person's hand or face, how bodies are molded to melt into a hug, how your face will fit perfectly into someone's neck. Hugging is a form of comfort, all animals come together in times of fear and celebration. Love is in our genetics, and I know you're bound to find it at some point. You just have to be patient.
But until then, stop being delusional. Maybe you really need that tequila bottle every once in a while.
