Impossible Infinity

I Already Miss You

I'm searching for a feeling. It's something completely familiar to me—a feeling I know wholeheartedly. Yet, it is also something so foreign that I cannot recognize it. Rather, I cannot put it into words.

  It's like an endless infinity. It's on the cusp of existence. The time between birth and death. But it is so incredibly small. So small that I cannot find it.

  Yet, at the same time—impossibly—it is all around me, larger than the bounds of reality.

  A negative infinity within infinity.

  How am I supposed to find something that I can't make sense of? This seems like a fruitless chase, doesn't it?

  And maybe it is. Maybe I'm a fool.

  I don't even know where to start, but I want this feeling so badly that it hurts.

  It hurts more to think I may never find it.

  The only time I ever felt it was in his embrace. The only place I ever found it was in his gaze.

  Those are all swept away by the tides now. Bubbles that have long since broken the surface after I exhaled them.

  I wish I had held on to them a little longer, a little tighter.

  "Suguru..." I had said his name with a heavy breath. No, a heavy heart. I had thought he was dead. Stupid of me, looking back at it. I had always assumed he was much weaker than me. I thought everyone was.

  I've forgotten the details of whatever fight we had been involved in. But I remember restlessly waiting for Shoko to tell me if he would make it. I was so angry with her for "forgetting" to tell me.

  Suguru Geto had smiled. He may have been about to say something, but I didn't give him time.

  I threw my arms around him haphazardly. I remember my glasses had gone flying.

  I held him tighter than I had ever held anything before. I had never released my infinity so powerfully. Maybe I had even pulled him in with my reverse technique without thinking.

  He put his arms around me. Tightly. Just as tightly as I was holding onto him.

  It felt like we would never let go. And I was fine with that.

  In our embrace, I whispered three words. "I already miss you."

  Suguru chuckled softly, pressing his head against my own. This closeness felt perfect and complete. Yet, it wasn't enough. Not for me.

  I wanted more. If only two people could be completely together... But everything is made up of atoms, which never completely "touch" one another.

  This feeling I'm searching for is something I've hardly tasted. Something I don't know if I will—or even can—fully experience.

  What I'm looking for goes beyond simply touching another person. Beyond vulnerability and comfortability.

  What I want is for the negative infinity and the infinity to exist as one. A concept that cannot be understood or completed. It's impossible.

  I want my soul and another's soul to come together.

  Maybe that's why I held him so tightly. Not out of fear or relief. Out of longing.

  I was reaching out into his being, trying to make contact with the untouchable.

  Trying to achieve the impossible.

  Another instance I had gotten close to feeling the impossible was late at night with him.

  I didn't sleep often, and I still don't.