beloved of grace

Chapter 20.5 - Pure Dreams in Snow

"You look different somehow." Zoe commented as she pulled at your cheeks. She's certain your appearance didn't change but her gut told her otherwise, was it because you were smiling now? But you smiled before, just not like this. Your smile was light, like always— but somehow, it also feels much more heavier. She's not sure if she likes it, "How have you been? You're not injured, right?"

"No," you started, thinking back to the event. After you had witnessed the burning flames, there was an explosion and all evidence pointed to you being it's cause. You're not sure how no one witnessed an such disaster emit from you, but you're not certain any witnesses would believe their own eyes either. It's not everyday something like that happens, after all.

Of course, you knew what the implications meant— if the children hadn't died from the fire, then they certainly did pass from the explosion. You're not sure what to do with that information, but you doubt your friends knew the truth of what happened. You doubted anyone expect yourself who was at the center of it all knew from it's nature alone, "I'm. . . better now."

Or at least, you didn't want to regret staying away. Mira looked worried, hands clasped together and eyebrows furrowed, "[Name]. . ."

"I can't stay long." You're not sure sure if it's safe for you to be with them anymore. Before, at least you knew you weren't capable of unintentional mass destruction, "I just wanted to see you all."

"Wait!" Joy exclaimed, tugging on your arm. You know you should pull away, especially with how attached she could be, but you don't. You're not sure why either but it's harder than expected, "At least stay here for a while."

The rational answer is no, but you feel soft. A lot softer than you're allowed to be and the rejection doesn't even linger in the back of your throat. In fact, you feel physically incapable of saying no, ". . . Ok."

Crystal must've realized something was amiss, for she pulled Joy back and commented, "Let's give her some space. We wouldn't want to overwhelm her."

". . . Thank you."

"It's alright," Crystal smiled, she repeated something she said a long while ago, but it feels slightly different now, "my help is unconditional."

Mary stays even after everyone else had left. The atmosphere was light and relaxed, as usual— you could rest easy next to her but the weigh in your chest is evident and there's too much of what's unsaid to ignore. So instead, she opts for a reassuring stance; she opts to tell you words only she can deliver, "Let's take a walk together, just like normal. Breathe in and out, everything will be alright."

It's foolish to believe her, but you do anyways. Perhaps it was because you know it'll be alright too— it's just the steps that are always scary.

"[Name], Vin is a hardcore Duke fan now. He'll deny it though." Mary snorts as she led you through the streets of Seoul. Her laugh is beautiful, you think, infectious too. Infectious enough for your own laughter to glimpse into the city, "Duke is doing well. You don't need to worry about him."

"That's a relief."

"I want you to be doing well too." You can't promise that. In fact, you're not sure if you can promise anything with such uncertain future, so instead you tell her, "I can't promise that. But. . . I'm doing well now."

There's a lot of things you want to say. But as Mary's smile melts in fond exasperation (you don't know why but it feels so warm, maybe even too warm), you think she's ok with the fragile silence too.

And despite the thoughts and worries that linger, it feels as though your feelings that can't be conveyed were just given a little hug. Your worries won't magically wash away but— the moment is perfect.