Falling for the Matchmaker [ Chaennie ]

Chapter 10 : Roseanne

Roseanne

Instead of relief, my words are followed by an immediate sense of panic. There obviously isn't any taking them back. Unfortunately for all mankind, time machines haven't been invented. I thought it would feel good to finally say it. To finally tell someone. To actually admit the truth. I thought it would be freeing. That it would feel like this huge burden was lifted off of me, but it doesn't. It feels like I'm being smothered. I've never had a panic attack before, but I can almost feel my lungs closing up. My breathing is shallow, and I'm basically panting while trying to make it look like I'm not, which means closing my mouth and keeping the breath in. I can feel my nostrils flaring though, which I imagine isn't pretty at all. Although, at the moment, I'm not exactly worried about how I look. I felt like I needed to tell Jennie, to make her understand. To make things right. Now I feel like I have to make this right.

"I'm just telling you because...because I want you to know that it definitely wasn't you. And I appreciate everything you did. You had no idea. And you're just so easy to talk to. I know that you had to know things about me for the profile, but it wasn't just that. I wouldn't have told anyone else half the things I told you." That sounds stupid. I'm making things so much worse. I can tell that I've shocked Jennie. Obviously. All the hallmark signs are there—wide eyes, slightly parted lips, this glazed over look.

"Oh," she whispers. "I'm surprised. But that's fine. I mean, I think that's great." She reaches for her tea, and even though it's probably still wickedly hot, she gulps some back and hangs onto the mug. "Sorry. That sounded terrible. What I'm trying to say is that I understand. Thank you for telling me. I imagine it wasn't easy for you. Am I the only person you've told? Ever?"

Surprisingly, I can produce some words past the lump in my throat and the fear rooted in my chest like an ancient redwood. "I've never told anyone. Remember what I said about my parents being really conservative?"

Jennie nods.

"I think they'd be angry. They wouldn't like it. They'd tell me it was a phase. That I don't know my own mind. They'd want me to keep it to myself. They'd ask me why I couldn't just try to be normal. They're not mean and I don't think they'd stop loving me or anything. I know they wouldn't cut me off or want me out of the family. I just think that they wouldn't get it. And I'd always feel like an outsider. I knew when I was thirteen or fourteen. I pretended I didn't. That it was just hormones. In college, there were a few times I may have flirted with the idea of being with a woman, even shared a kiss or two, but...I was drunk. I told myself it was just the alcohol. That it wasn't really me. That even though it felt right and I felt free, and I felt like I could be me, that it was just experimenting, and experiments can be thrilling, in science or otherwise, and that's what it was. I dated guys. I had relationships with men. I slept with men. I wanted to make it work. I wanted to get married to a man and have children with a man and be like everyone else. The person everyone thinks I am. I was afraid that if people knew, they'd be different. That I'd lose my friends. That I might even lose my job."

"I don't think a place can fire you for something like that. It would look extremely bad, but there are also laws that protect people now."

"I-I know." I can't look at Jennie. I might not be the best with words, but I do a pretty good job at reading body language and she's giving off a ton of understanding, compassionate vibes that I didn't expect. I didn't expect anyone to understand. Ever. That hits me hard and I can feel tears burning at the top of my nose and stinging in my eyes. I just felt that Jennie would be a safe person to tell, but of course I was afraid. I was so afraid. I've been so scared my whole life. I guess I feel a little bit in shock too. I can't even begin to process everything that I feel. I'm so used to being scared, to keeping everything locked up inside, that I don't know how to register that it's out there now.