By my own hands

Part 1- Accidental pleasure

"LALYLAA, get your ass up your sister's hungry, and I ain't making food." My mother screamed.
I never thought she could get as horrendous as she is now. I know she's just telling me to make food, since she's probably too drunk to even get up. It's been around 2 weeks since my dad has passed away, and I can't help but feel guilty but also an uncertainty large amount of pleasure. Is this normal?
"LAYLA!" My mother interrupted once again.
I managed to roll myself over and rip the blue, silky covers off. It's been days since I last showered and my clothes are almost plastered onto my body. My room reeked of a mildew smell. I had sprayed perfume on numerous occasions, but it must just be the walls. I stood up immediately and immensely felt the sensation of my blood pulling back down to my feet. It was cold, but not the bad kind. I had always loved the cold, it makes me calm. I walked over to the door, and put my hand on the handle. I stood contemplating if I should really go out, I haven't left my room in so long it feels almost unusual to be leaving it now. I gathered up enough strength to open the door and exit my room, again feeling the cold sensation of the hard wooden floors press up against my feet. I had walked past the couch where my mom had been laying. She was stiff almost appearing dead. But I would know better, she's just sprawled out, focused on the tv as if it costed her life or something. Her alcohol bottles and cigarettes littered the kitchen floor and counters, making  it almost impossible to navigate quietly. I had made it to the fridge but the stench of old meat and spoiled milk had gotten to me. It burned my nose, so I covered it with my hand.
"God when was the last time you went to the store?" I asked, but wasn't answered.
I opened the fridge and grabbed some eggs, I shook the maggots off and sat them on the counter. How could have it gotten this disgusting? I grabbed a pan and turned the burner on. My little sister Nelly, had begun making her way towards me when she noticed I was making her food.
"Lay lay!!" She said excitedly.
I looked back at her, I don't talk much but I managed a smile. Which was good enough for her, she clung onto my leg and sat watching and waiting eagerly for food. I cracked the egg and begun cooking it. Being near the heat and steam had made me light headed, and a little woozy but I went on.When it was done I added some cheese and bread and handed it to her. She snatched it and hugged me for the food before going back to her play spot. Argo, our dog, had began to get rowdy, he got on my nerves sometimes. He was scratching and barking at the door, so I let him out and filled up his food bowl. I raced back to my room, and sat on my bed. I pulled out my mirror and took a small look, I hadn't seen the damage yet. It was bad, my brown hair had clumps and was matted. My teeth appeared to be as yellow as a stick of chalk. I had a metallic sensation in my mouth, but also a random desire to go outside. I grabbed a pair of clothes and headed to the shower, I couldn't go outside looking like this. I walked into my bathroom and turned the water on, beginning to strip off my clothes. The water felt warm, the runoff was a mix of reddish brown, and my cuts and scrapes felt like tiny needles piercing my skin. Just like they did when they were first fresh. With my hair matted, it was hard to wash. I poured a half a bottle of conditioner and surprisingly it half solved the problem. I got out and looked down at my legs, red and irritated and covered in scars and cuts. I needed to take better care of myself, but that's not what I need to worry about as of now. I walked back into my room and pulled clothes out of my dresser. It took maybe 40 minutes to fully untangle my hair but I did it. I put my shoes on and walked outside. Argo was laying on his side, being lazy like he usually is. It was peaceful until a bird had started getting loud. It had been perched on the power line before flying down to the fence. It was beautiful, with yellow and green feathers. But even if it was beautiful the noise it had been making wasn't so much. I just wanted it to shut up, was that so wrong? Before a second thought came over, I grabbed the bird. Of course, its first thought had been aggression. It started pecking me and I got enraged. My stomach dropped, and a thought appeared in my head. What if I had just silenced it? It's just a bird after all. I grabbed its head and twisted it. How could such a small creature be so stupid? I liked the way its wings looked although dead. The feathers were quite pretty, I had grabbed an old knife that used to be my father's from my pocket. And began to hack at the wings, it was like cutting through rubber. Each part had a different texture, some parts hard and others soft. But I wander, how does it taste? My heart started racing, and I had no thought at first. I flipped the bird upside down, and took a bite. As my teeth pierced the birds inside I only had one thought, the taste was lovely. The meat had tasted like any other normal meat except it was stringy in a way. And the feathers had a strange, dusty taste. The blood started pouring down my mouth, it had tasted like led. But I've gotten used to the taste of blood from my own experience. This was pleasure. The green grass had became overran with red. Nelly came outside, probably chasing after me. She'd saw the blood, and a mix of confusion and terror was struck in her face.
"Sissy?" She cried uneasily.

"It was the dog, he killed it and I uhm, I tried to give it CPR but blood came out of its mouth." I replied.

End of chap. 1