I Used to Love Him

Butterflies & Fate

How is it possible that our lives can change in a matter of seconds? From the smallest of things to the biggest decisions we're forced to make.
I silently cry as I stare at the two faded lines that appeared. My hands shaking. My heart filled with hurt and confusion as to how this was even possible.
I wanted nothing more than to hear your voice telling me it's ok.
That we could figure this out some how; but that wasn't the reality of the situation.

I wrote a letter to You over a thousand times but could never gain the courage to press send. Maybe out of fear that You'd think it was all a lie or I was doing it for attention. I knew I had to make a decision and fast.
Caterpillars grow into butterflies in a matter of weeks. And in the case of our little caterpillar, six weeks had already gone by.

I was terrified and alone, crying myself to sleep at night unsure of what to do.
I didn't dare tell a soul so I had no one to turn to.
Some might believe this could be Fate: a miracle, the most amazing thing, a piece of the happiest part of me growing into something that would be potentially beautiful and perfect.
But I couldn't ignore the other side of possible destruction this could potentially cause. Neither of us aware, stuck in a hard time with nothing prepared. I was afraid You'd hate me forever for being so selfish. So I knew what needed to be done.

But as Fate would have it, God heard my confusing cries and made the decision for me. I woke up that morning unable to keep a single thing down. I made my way to the place that would tell me the status of our little caterpillar. I laid there feeling the cool gel shift around inside me. Again I wished I had You beside me.
I imagined us smiling and pretended we'd be excited for this new start.

A few moments later Gods plan was revealed: our little caterpillar didn't have a chance to make its cocoon; it was stuck without a beating heart.
And even though I knew God was doing what he felt was best, I couldn't hide my emotions. But I also felt grateful in a way because let's be honest: had I told You, what would You really say? What would You think of Me for keeping such a big secret?

To our little caterpillar that never got its wings:
"I never held you, but I feel you.
You never spoke, but I hear you.
One day I know you'll have your wings and I'll watch you sore. Regardless, I'll love you forever more."