Missing you

Fool of myself

It really has been so long since I felt this way, like a absolute fool. I waited for you. I dressed up, I did my hair, my nails, my makeup. I did all those things for you. Not for myself darling. You proved to me this evening that the wait was just the excuse to get away. When do you actually want me? When do I become enough for you? I wanted to spend this time together, bonding, sharing intimate moments. But the fresh air was eliminated by darkness. The stress made me come undone. Not in a beautiful elegant way. I felt the need to take apart everything I have done. I chose to waste away in the bed I made. You can hide inside the shell you so desire for I won't come looking for you anymore. You can do all those things you wanted to do alone. Drift on the platform I so cautiously built for you. This might just be the only chance you get to run from the crows that rip apart your flesh while you are standing on the beach waving the white surrendering flag. Be like the others that got away. Be that of who you want to be darling. I am exploding from the inside out with anger. But do not let these words fool you like when you have made a fool of me. In this very moment I want to lift the spell you think I have casted on you and let you live. Be that as it may. I miss you. I really do and all you do for me. I can't just give up. Though I look like a fool and feel that of one I vow to never disrespect myself again. I tried so hard to not take all of the pain together and inflict it on myself. I sat here, in the dark, feeling every inch of my busted face wondering what I have done to deserve such a violent act. A fist to the cheek and every bone swells with tears. Tell me how I am to forgive you. Tell me how I am supposed to let everything go. You took the power and made it into a fine dust and blew it directly in my face causing numbness to the heart. It beats slower. Now you have me where you want and still you do not trust me. We will never be totally alone. Always pinned against each other battling in the chaos of our lives. Just let me hold your hand while you drown me in the lies. I will not reach out to the light if it means only one of us survives. It has to be us both or I will die trying to save you. That one promise I will not ever take back. Even without you wanting me I won't let you succumb to the inevitable death that awaits you. I want to be your fool again and again.