Forgive me Severus ✓

We stood in the middle of nowhere  looking into each other's eyes. I could see the pain in your gaze. You were blaming yourself for everything that happened to me, but I’m the one who must apologize to you , Severus. Because I can’t blame you for love, and that’s all you did.

~ * ~

The beginnings were amazing. Letter from Hogwarts, sorting into Slytherin. We could have been together. Both coming from pureblood families, intelligent, rich and - above all - together. No one dared to stand up to us. We became the stars of the school.

Time passed and I thought I was the luckiest witch in the universe. You were there for me when I needed it. My best friend since cradle. I did great at school, my parents were proud every time professors praised me. I was very popular, I had a couple friends and many admirers around me.

Over time, I started to look at you differently. With each passing year you became more and more important to me. At some point I felt that you’re no longer just a friend, but I was too afraid to destroy our friendship , so I hid my crush. I went on dates, however I was looking for you in each one of the guys and eventually I was left alone. In the end, none of them were you.

You also started to show interest in girls. I advised you how to dress, what to do and say, because although you were confident, in male – female relationships you became as vulnerable as a child.

When you started dating the first girl it was hard for me. I watched you hold her hand and kiss her. I felt that it would never be me, but I was strong and with a smile on my face I sad how happy I was for you. I thought that it would be easier with time, that it was just a crush, but that feelings won't go away and I found it harder to deal with every day. I distanced myself from you, so you wouldn’t feel cornered, but I was always there when you needed me. “Forever” is what I promised you.

Everything collapsed like a house of cards before we finished fifth year. My parents murdered one pureblooded family. They were sentenced to a kiss. I lost not only my parents, but also my friends and reputation. My grandmother took care of me, and although she was my only relative I was never meant to feel family warmth again.

Your parents forbade you to contact me, but you defied them. Then I felt loved again. You promised that you would never leave me and would always support me. I believed you, after all, I was in love. Why would you lie anyway? At school, when everyone called me a murderer you stood by my side. I felt that not everything was lost, because I still had you.

Another blow came the day Lily Evans decided to sit down with you. Beautiful, intelligent and feisty Lily. I saw how with every meeting you were falling for her more and more  and I couldn't do anything about it. One day you told me that she had agreed too date you. You were so happy. I smiled at you as usual saying how much I'm happy for you. What else could I do? She was a redhaired beauty with eyes as green as grass. I couldn't compare with her. I was after all only average girl – with brown hair and eyes black like night.  She was respected and adored, while I was a social margin. I could only stand by your side as I once did, hidden in the shadows, and although you assured me that she wouldn't destroy our friendship, I didn't believe you.

At first it was ordinary, just like with your first dates. She accepted me and I even went out with you to the Hogsmeade. However, over time something changed. More and more often I was left alone, because you didn't offer to spend time with me. I didn't resent you for this, after all, I didn't want to take away the moments you spent together. I became worried when you stopped visiting me in the dormitory. We no longer went out anywhere together and I ate alone in the Great Hall . You spent more and more time with Lily, and I assured myself with a smile on my lips that nothing was wrong, that I had something else to do. I was suffering inside, and on the outside I played happy and relaxed.

I cried every night, wondering what did I do wrong, at what point did I let it all happen ? Then I thought I was selfish. You were happy and that was the most important thing. In the end, your happiness mattered more to me than anything else.

I suffered alone until our senior year. Then, right after the Christmas ball I caught her with James Potter. That's when something inside me broke. Especially since earlier that day you told me that you want to propose to her. I immediately ran to you and when I explained everything, you looked at me like I was crazy . You didn't believe it. That's when she came and denied everything.

She started shouting that I wanted you to break up, that I love you and would do anything to destroy your relationship. When she finished speaking and cuddled into you, you looked at me with THAT gaze . The gaze of disappointment. You asked if it’s true that I loved you, and I already knew that I wouldn't be able to lie. You believed her.  You accused me of lying and told me to leave. That's when you broke my heart. You believed her even though you knew me all your life. I realized that there was no place for me in your life anymore, and that "forever" was just a empty promise . All I wanted was for you to be happy, and knowing that she was the one you wanted to propose to was destroying me.

Before I left, I looked into your eyes one last time and, smiling through my tears I said: "I'm sorry that I wanted to destroy your perfect world. I’ll leave and you won’t see me again. Be happy." And I left.

During the last months I was like a shadow. I avoided everyone. The whole school found out about my argument with you, so I lost my peace. Some pointed fingers at me, others made jokes about me, and Lily looked at it with a laugh. I then noticed her engagement ring.  It happened, you decided to spend the rest of your life with her.

I promised myself that I would make it to the end, although even the professors were against me. More and more often I would hide  in the Room of Requirement and read books about black magic that belonged to my mother . The darkness consumed me slowly , and when I received an anonymous message from the Mighty Wizard after the end of the school year, I agreed to join him .

He gave me what I internally craved. Respect, trust and love that I hadn't experienced in years. I was training by his side, realizing the consequences, but at that time I just thought that since everyone already believed that I was a monster, I should probably become one.

A few months later I found out about your breakup and that you were looking for me, but I no longer wanted you to find me. I had a new family, and although I missed you, I knew that you never really needed me. I was afraid that when I came back, once again my heart would be broken, and I wouldn’t be able to handle that.

That's why we only met then, in the middle of nowhere, on two sides of the barricade. You – fighting for good, and I was fighting for evil. And I want to tell you something. I never really blamed you. I was devastated and angry but only at myself. Your only fault was loving the wrong person.

When I write this letter, I think how to pour all my heart in it. I never stopped loving you, even now, on my deathbed. Forgive me Severus for not being able to prevent your suffering. I should have been stronger, after all, I promised you "forever".

I will watch over you.

Yours forever,

X