not a lot, just forever

ruined

you come around,i'm ruined.

i jolt awake. the same dream night as every other night.
the night it all started.
i rub my face, my hand shaking. i close my eyes again and sit up as i run a hand through my hair. i check the time

3:07

"damn"
i think to myself as i sigh softly.
the room is silent. it's peaceful. i throw a shirt on and a pair of trousers. i wrap my blanket around my shoulders loosely.
as i leave my room i heard him stir.
i paused, standing silently.
once i knew he was asleep i left, trying to be quieter.
once ive closed the door i sigh.
i made it.
once im out of the common room i head straight for the lake, making sure to not be seen or heard by anyone.
i sit down and smiled softly. it was quiet, not silent.
there was a faint sound of the water crashing against the shore. the breeze in the tree branches. overall, the experience was very pleasant.
i lean my head against the tree behind my and close my eyes, taking a deep breath in as i let the tears spill out.

the salty tears poured out of my eyes like rain in november.  it was mid march, the smells of flowers flood my nose. i try to focus on that to calm me down.
it doesn't work.
the tears streamed faster down my cheeks. my breathing turned from quiet shaky sobs to muffled louder sobs. not loud enough to alert anyone. i knew better then that. i was a malfoy after all.
even if it didn't feel like it at times.
i remember the way his hands felt on me. the way my skin burnt with his touch. how hard i scrubbed in the shower. now when i take showers the water has to be boiling hot.
it worries mum. she's hates seeing how red and irritated my skin gets after i take a shower.
i like to think mum is my only true friend. she's the only one who shows me true kindness, unconditional love. i wish she knew how much i love her.
i'm not allowed to tell her very much, father said.

"malfoys don't love draco"
his voice rang throughout my head. i clenched my jaw

"i can. i can love"
i sobbed into my hands quietly.

a soft voice broke me out of my head
"malfoy?"

i stand up, the blanket falling away from my shoulders as i whip around, wand already in hand. i pause for a second

"potter?" i spit "what the hell do you want?"
i say as i bring my hand to wipe the tears off my face.

he looked confused, hurt almost.
his hands shot up in defense
"nothing!" he shot back, less harsh then i was. a pang of regret hit me.

"liar. why are you spying on me?"
the tone softer then the last words i spoke to him.

"malfoy im not spying on you." he said, his voice soft. "what happened? why are you crying?"
he said, just above a whisper

my eyes look away from him "i'm not. i'm going back to my dorm"
my voice didn't sound like me. it was shaky, unconfident, scared.
malfoys don't get scared.

i turn on my heels after grabbing my blanket off the ground, wrapping it around my shoulders and walking back inside

"draco wait!"
he called after me. desperation laced with his words

"draco?"
i thought as i walked away, taking a deep breath and walking faster.

once i reached the dorm i shut the door quietly and went back to bed. falling asleep almost as soon as my head had hit the pillow. i hadn't realized how tired i had been.