SARANG - [니키]

three

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My dearest Sarang,

It's strange to write to you now. I'm writing a wholesome letter to you even though i certainly know that you're not going to answer.
As much as i would want to avoid saying it; you're not with me anymore.

One day i'm gonna bring this here to you. I'm gonna leave my room for you, my girl. I'm gonna open my roller shutters for you, just to see your smile in the sun.
Your smile which meant everything to me. I wish i could see you beaming again. Beaming like you did always shortly before the sun rose.

You want to know something? My mom is so worried about me. She says i should go out and visit a therapist. But she doesn't know that you're actually my therapy. You used to be the only one letting me feel free just as i want. The others made me feel narrowed down.

I miss the way we used to talk, i miss the cute texts. I miss the feeling where i knew we were both smiling at the same time as we talked.

Sure i could delete your photos, your texts, your number but how do i delete your face, your voice and our memories? These are the things i started to figure out that i can't live without.
Oh Sarang you don't know how many times i listen to your voice on you mailbox at night, when i can't sleep. I can't sleep while knowing you won't wake up next to me the next day.

I miss how we used to talk every minute of every day & how i was able to tell you everything that was on my mind, i miss you, i miss our conversations.

Sarang, I didn't love you because everything was always sunshine and candy cotton.
I loved you because you're the only person i could stand being around while I actually needed time by myself.

Before i met you, i felt that i couldn't love anyone. That nobody would be able to fill the void in my heart.

But that all changed when i met you. You broke my barriers, you opened me up, you touched my soul, you made me whole, you made me come alive. You were an unexpected surprise, the defining moment. The collison of stars that slammed into me hard and sent me neat little world plummeting into the ocean.

I never expected to fall that deeply in love with you. I had never met a soul who could speak my language. Until there was you. You, were fluent in me.

I fell for the way you loved, the way you lived, for the person you were. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for filling my life wuth the adventure, wonder, and happiness.
Thank you for having been the one helping and comforting me with just existing in the world we both created together.

There was something in the way that your laugh filled the space between us, that drowned out the noise, and calmed the furious beating of my heart and while my head told me that it was too soon, i needed to let you in.

Because there's something so safe about being in your arms and now my heart has not felt safe in a long time anymore. Just because you were taken away from me.
Because thet damn motorist needed to speed up. He was too blind to see you still walking over the street.

Sarang, i miss you so much. I can't do this anymore without you.
I cannot stand looking at the tulips anymore, when i know that you won't be happy to see them anymore.

My depression is getting worse instead of better. And i can't be happy when i don't see you being happy.

I missed your funeral, your parents are surely disappointed in me. They are sad that i don't visit you at the cemetry. But they just can't understand that i cannot leave my home.
I cannot go through this door in the outside anymore when in know you won't be waiting for me behind the door.

I never saw your gravestone. I just hope that they choose a good place for you. I wish that you can enjoy the flowers and the small lake next to you. An even if they don't exist, i'd just imagine them.

There are so many things that i regret. I regret to not shout your name when i saw the car on the street. I should have called after you, i should have thrown myself in your direction to save you. I should have been the one dying from us.

I always hoped i die first, because i didn't want to live without you. I didn't want to ever learn how it would be to fall asleep without you.

I won't take it for a long time anymore, my love.

Maybe i'll come to you soon. I would be happy about that.

I love you and always will,
Your Nini.

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