SARANG - [니키]

four

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I cannot close my eyes, as much as i want to.

I want to fall asleep like everyone does. I want to travel to dreamland without problems,

I guess Fate isn't on my side. It had to be the one deciding whether i can live a happy life with my loved girl or the one i'm living now.

Everything feels like a nightmare.

A nightmare i can't escape. I wrote a letter for her today, my hand still hurts.

And it feels so good to be able to talk to her. She wouldn't answer me, but at least i can imagine her reading my thoughts out loud.

I imagine Sarang as she is sitting on a cloud, taking care of the tulips she has lying besides her. She must have a happy time up there, at least i sincerely hope she has.

I have my hair crossed behind my head as i stare in the darkness.

I want to touch the darkness and let it allow me to drown in there. I want to disappear when i fall into the eternal darkness.

My pillow isn't comfortable anymore as it used to be. I have to change it for already 145 days. But i know i won't.

It's morning the next day and i feel like this day is gonna be like the day before.

I feel like living in an endless loop of life. I feel like everyday is going to push me down in the hole more and more.

The throat knife inside me is cutting itself through my lungs. It's on its way to reach my heart. And i don't want to stop it.

I just let the thoughts run through my head, not forcing them to stop.

I tried to stop them already too many times. Snd not ony one time it worked so i gave up.

Maybe i can fall asleep when i watch the tulips on my night table? I try it out when i turn to the right to face the flower bouqet standing on my table.

I can't see them clearly through the dark but still i can inhale their intense smell.

I remember when i gifted Sarang flowers for the first time. It was a while after the time she wrote that letter to me i read the day before.

We have only see eachother twice before; her family made a trip to my place whem she visited me.

Before, we met at a school party for the first time. But i don't wnat to think about that party now.

My thoughts keep swaying to another memory as i help and try to bring my mind back to when i first gifted Sarang those flowers.

It had been two days after her parents announced to move to the place i live in. We were both certainly happy about that.

The day when they first visited he house they would move in, i surprised her with purple tulips. I know those were her favorites from all the phone calls we had at nights.

She once told me.

Sarang ended up keeping those flowers in a vase on her shelf. The shelf was over her bed so she could fall asleep with the aromatic smeel of the flowers.

And wen they withered, i bought her new ones.

I want to try the same as her. I wnat to fall asleep with smelling the aromatic, fresh scent of the tulips.

I end up falling asleep hours later when unfortunately the flowers didn't have so much smell anymore. Some of them must be withered already.

I have to ask mom if she can buy new ones. I cannot stand the scen of not having any tulips standing on my night table.

Something in my head is blocking me from everything.

I'm blocked to fall asleep.       Without her.

I'm blocked to leave my home.       Without seeing her outside.

I'm blocked to take care of myself.       Without her taking care of me.

I'm blocked to delete Sarang's number.       Without her answering my messages and calls.

I'm blocked to think that i will be happy one day.       Without having any clue how my future is.

And after all i don't think how to cope with those blocks inside my head.
My head feels so full but at the same time so empty.

Mom is coming inside my room to ask how i am doing. I say i'm doing good.

That's a lie. And she knows i'm lying.

I'm lying inside me bed alld ay long when i don't know what to do else.

I'm not bored, i'm just not aware of how to take care of myself. I don't give a shit on how i'll create my future.

i'm not interested in having a lovey dovey future with cotton candy and sunshine.

Hell, i just want her back. Why does no one understand me?

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