SARANG - [니키]

5 | someone to stay

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Mom brought new tulips. I throw away the old ones that are already withered and replace the empty spot on my night table with a new vase.

I place the tulip flower bouqet insid ethe vase, satisfying myself with the result.

I stare at the red tulips in the vase and can't look anywhere else. My eyes are fixed on the red structure of the leafs.

I understand Sarang.

Tulips are my favorite flowers too. It's a thing that connects us still.

If i could, i would send her new tulips everyday. But after all i couldn't see her smile because of them anyways.

I have the idea of playing tulips on the place she got hit. But then i remember my blocking.

I can call someone else to do that for me. But my friends probably already forgot me.

They stopped with knocking at the door and asking if i'm healthy again. They do know i'm not.

They might get rid of me.

They might be embarassed to have a depressive friend like me. I'd just pull them down probably.

It's better to be alone.

Alone with her. I can talk to the sky if i'd want.

But even the thought of needing to talk to the sky instead to her face like i used to when she was with me, is already too much.

My heart can't take the fact of her living on the cloud instead on earth even though is till try to imagine her on a cloud.

If she already has to live there, i desire her to have the most fluffy, soft and comfortable cloud in the sky.

Maybe she could play around with my hamster that died when i was a kid.

I was so sad when Freddy died. I cried for days after until my mom said she would buy me a new toy if i would stop crying.

Now that i'm an adult. An adult who lost the most important person ever in her life, i wish i could cry.

I wish i would have the opportunity to cry and scream. i want to scream out her name, i want to scream after her until i can finally hold her in my arms again.

But i can't. My inner slef is blocking me from letting the tears roll down my face.

The moment when your feelings control you more than yourself, is hurting a lot.

I feel like i don't have a plan about my life anymore since Sarang left us. She was atking care of me so well. I can't organize anything without her.

My room looks messy. My hair is oily from not washing it for days. My clothes need to be washed.

If i would be a stranger entering my room for the first time while looking in my own face,

i would ask myself

Who is that guy?

That guy who looks like he just fell down a cliff.

Is he sick? Does he have depression?

I would be wondering if the room is really a part of a house or just a messy booth from the dump.

Sarang was the most organized girl i've ever seen. She always had everything under control. She knew her appointments, she held her room clean.

She even managed to look after me whenever i was feeling down again. I'm jealous of her how she always got everything under control even when it was stressful.

When she was under pressure, she still managed to watch out for me and take care to not let me fall into the hole again. I fell inside it a few years ago when my dad died.

But Sarang helped me out there. Luckily i had her to talk and listen to me.

Now. Years later.

I fell inside again. And i don't have anyone to help me out.

I only have myself. Myself who is way too tired and exhausted from doing nothing all day.

How should i manage to look after myself when the person sude to help me with that sin't here?

When the person left me without wanting it. The person who had my life more under control than i did myself.

It was as if she was leading two lives. Mine and hers at the same time. And i, idiot, cannot even manage to lead my own life on my own.

I'm pitying myself in the corne rof my room when i'm not even losing one tear.

I wish i could use the water in the vase where the tulips stand, as a sea for me to swim.

I want to swim i that sea until i drown and never wake up again. That endless sea of tears by the tulips.

it's so sad to see that even the tulips i admire can lose tears. And i can't.

I laugh at myself. How can someone lose himself so much like i just did.

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