Untold Words Of Me

2.

The anger that took me to became like this.

I can feel my anger, I can feel the rage inside me, the little kid who's mad at everything, who's mad for being neglected, it hurts me, No— I hurt myself in order to prevent the anger that can cause chaos to other people. I want to scream, I want to throw a tantrum but I can't because no one will understand the anger and rage that took me to become like this.

To become a quiet.

I was so mad at the world that they let me suffer and everyone thought that I can go on with this pain, that I should be the one to be blamed for this but I'm not, I blamed myself because I see it in my own eyes that the reason that all of them were all because of me! It caused me everything, that day caused me everything. I blame myself because I cause so much chaos in being happy. Me, one person caused this chaos? It's my fault but why is it a fault for wanting happiness? To leave a place that causes pain in my whole life.

I was so mad, I'm so angry, ramdam na ramdam ko sa katawan ko 'yung galit. Gusto niya kumawala, ngunit may magagawa ba ang galit na nararamdaman ko?

I don't have any place to place my anger.

They already move forward, I was the only one who's still in that place because I can't forget. Hindi ko kayang kalimutan ang isang bagay na sumira ng buong pagkatao ko.

Kaya galit ako dahil kaya nilang mabuhay nang hindi naalala ang mga ginawa nila sa akin!

Kaya nilang kalimutan lahat 'yon, bakit kaya nila? Bakit ako... Bakit ako ilang taon na pero nandito pa rin ako?

Bakit kailangan ako maghirap sa kasalanan hindi ko naman ginawa?

No, ako pala talaga ang gumawa.

I was the one who started the fire but alongside of it, I was the one who get burned. Burned until there's only ashes left for me.

I was so angry, up until now. The anger never leave, it never left me, I just carry and control it because this Anger is something that everyone hate.

The anger that was slowly building up.

I was so angry that my Mother and Father neglected me, that my Mother let other people take care of me because she had another child, I was so angry that they abused me by words and so their hands, that they use weapon for every single mistakes that I made as a child, they choose violence because I was crying in pain, I had no one, not even my siblings. I'm angry of what they did to me to th se years! Of how they embarrassed me everytime! On how she... hurts me in front of them... That she compare me a lot.

I am a child too...

Yes, I am angry that everyone never looked out for me. Yes, I am angry that everyone leaves me, that they choose to favor my siblings and forget about me.

Yes, I am angry because I keep waiting to be loved as a child that I don't know how to accept that love now!

Yes, I am angry that I have to looked in their backs, because they are not looking back at me. They just stood there and started walking away without looking back at me, and never lending their hand to love me.

Kailangan kong yakapin ang sakit para lamang sa katiting na pagmamahal na hindi pa maibigay sa akin ng sariling magulang ko.

Kaya paano ko tatanggapin ang pagmamahal ng ibang tao kung hindi ako kayang mahalin ng sariling mga magulang ko? Paano ko tatanggapin ang pagmamahal kung nasanay ako na puro sakit na lamang ang binibigay sa akin ng mundo?

Galit na galit ako, sobrang galit ako na gusto ko silang sisihin sa lahat, gusto ko silang murahin isa isa, gusto ko sumigaw, gusto ko mag-tantrum pero hindi ko na magagawa.

Dahil hindi na ako bata.

Hinding hindi ko na mailalabas ang galit na nararamdaman ko.

There's no place for me to show my anger, that up until this day I had to let the Anger kill my heart multiple times.

That I had to control my anger, that I never show this side, and keep being so quiet about everything that I feel.

Because that's the only thing I can keep the people around me.

That I have to obey everything because that's the only thing I have to do, so that they can talk to me.

They do not have to know what I feel because it's all in the past now.

Hindi ko na maipapakita pa ang galit na matagal nang natapos, nakalipas na siya, tapos na siya, lahat ng bagay na nangyari no'n ay tapos na kaya hindi ko na mailalabas ang galit na 'to.

Hindi ko na masasabi dahil napakatagal na ng panahon, nanahimik na lang ako kasi ayon na lamang ang tamang gagawin.

I have to surpassed them, I have to hold them and never let go the Anger because I can't show them anymore.

The past is past, I can't look back anymore.

Maybe the reason why I can't look at the present and live my life because I'm still angry for everything that has happened to me.

Because I'm the only one who keeps holding the string of the past, because it's the one I've lost, and I don't know who I am without it.

I knew to myself that I do not deserve any of it.

Kahit ilabas ko ang galit ko ngayon, wala na rin mangyayari, wala na rin sila pake dahil matagal na 'yon natapos. Kahit ilabas ko ay wala rin naman ako magagawa, galit na lamang siya na sumira sa akin.

There's no point in showing them my anger anymore because this anger will never change anything that has happened.

It will never do something even if it was shown to them.

But I knew... That this kid will continue to be angry of what happened, that she would still cry over it, I knew she will still threw tantrum in my head, asking for a help.

And yet, the only thing I can do for that little kid is to embrace the anger that took her whole life.

***
Can't fully said.