Untold Words Of Me

1.

I'm a kid that has been chained down in a house that didn't give me love.

I wish I could speak, I wish I could tell everything, I wish I could because I've been wanting it so much. To speak freely but my voice cannot come out.

I'm still a kid, I'm still a kid that wants parents affection, I don't want to stay on their back asking for damn help, for a single affection, for a single attention, I don't want them to only look for my siblings because I am a child too! I am their child too. I don't want to force myself to get fever just to get their attention, to their love, I hate it so much that it became reason for me not to beg for it anymore.

I cannot beg someone to love me.

I cannot do it again because I'm tired seeking for that love up until now.

It's scary to give love that can kill them.

Can't I just get it?

Can't I just hold it dearly? To hold it properly without slipping away that love?

Can't I make myself happy for a love, only for the chain to get tighter on me. Only for it to stop me from loving, a chain, a chain that kills me multiple times.

I became cruel, harsh, the moment I felt love. I'm scared of this love, I'm scared that it will become the reason for me to get abandoned.

Because I love too much and loving too much can kill a love too.

Loving too much can give them a reason to abandon you, because it's either they get tired, or they come to the conclusion that it was tiring to love someone who hasn't been loved properly by her own parents.

It was tiring indeed to give a love to a child that hasn't been loved properly when she was a kid.

Because that kid will continue to seek for love, different loves, different affection from you and it's tiring to give it and give it again to them, and the reason is that they also hurting you from their trauma.

The trauma that killed them as a kid, a trauma that killed them as a teenager and now they want a love, a never ending love that can kill you too.

They didn't love themselves because they believe that their parents should be the first one to give them that love. A parent is not only responsible for their growth, a parent job is to love their kid because if they are not been love, how the hell people can love them?

How can they love themselves if their parents didn't love them?

It made them so hard to love, the walls they built, the trauma that wakes them up every time, the trigger that will continue to make them unlovable, it will make them unlovable because a love should have been given to them when they are still young.

I want love, a love, a love that wasn't give to me when I was a kid but we can't ask people to love us just because our parents didn't love us.

They might love us but that won't change the fact that the missing piece of your heart is the love that it is supposed to be given to you when you are a kid.

So now you are looking for a love that will complete you, a love that can complete the love that wasn't give to you.

But, silly, you will not be able find that love. No one will be able to give you the love that it is supposed to be given to you.

So I let go and let go until I crumble enough to not ask for it, because the only thing I can do was to hurt and hurt them until that love hurts me until I can't move on from it. Until it makes me awake that I let go because I will hurt them.

The love you keep asking for is not something that can be given by the people you've ask for.

I'm scared that my love can kill the one I love so I let go.

Because they didn't deserve to get hurt by loving a person who's already damaged.

Because that damage can infect them and kill them too.

They deserve a love that is fulfilled with butterflies and paradise.

Not a love that can kill them.

They are not responsible for the love that wasn't given to you.

So you will let go of them and watch them fall in love with someone else.

And it will hurt you so much because you will continue to think that you are unlovable.

Still unlovable and so hard to love because they cannot love you or hold you just like your parents did to you.

It makes them tired to love someone who is unlovable and hard to love.

And it pains you more than anything else.