My random thoughts options and random shit I want to say but have no where to go

just me ranting about death

Death  🌟 death 🌟  ☠ deaths ☠ DEATH IT MEANS UR DEAD

So why write avout it well its all around me see it started last November my mammy past away the few  memories  of her last years one was when I was I don't know 13 to 14 and she was in the nursing home has been for years and my brother was being anoying and being a brat so I finally snapped I screamed at him said I was sorry to my mammy and left and went to the car and cried and when I went back in because my dad text me to come in again I came in apologize and huge her  a year later we have her birthday party  I would love to say it was fun but I was still a Child I wish I spent the time with her we had ice-cream and cake and pizza at the home at the mini living room by the entrance it was fun we got her gifts and cards galore the next one isn't as wholesome it was her brithday again her last birthday they had her on the porch it was thanks giving she was screaming crying to get her go inside it was cold but my aunts didn't I just wanted to bring her inside the whole family did but we all hugged her and went off not a single family member left without having tears in their eyes we all knew she was sick and wouldn't have another birthday but due to covid we chould go inside so my aunts brought this poor woman out to the porch in the end of November it was very cold another memory being during covid going behind the nursing home to tents with dots and we sat at a table outside and talked in the June sun and it wss a decent day for her she still asked about her farms and my papaw and her babies but we all enjoyed her she always brought up how she worked for my old high school (I went to that school system till grade 10 and 11 and 12 went to the school in another town it was better for me) she was the office lady for years and loved it and she clearly did because she talked about it till up the the week before her death bed. This leads to my next and final memory of her not of her cold body in her light pink casket with pink flowers and pictures of her all over her and what was left of her fight for life we all knew she was sick and before hand we knew we where told ages ago she would die in 1 year and that 1 year went on for 6 whole years she was given 365 days and she gave is that and 5 more just to show us her love. My brother got the call bring your sister up here it was a Sunday he said our clothes on its mammy and I shot up put black leggings on a tee shirt and ran to his car did my hair in the car and I forgot my hoodie we where to far so he let me wear his ne never let's anyone wear his clothes and that was very special to me we arrive we get through the doors the home knew us we ran to her door we knew the way by heart I still do its just in the door down the hall past the nurses station turn down the right wing on the left side last door 2 bed was my mammy she was as beautiful as ever to me she had cancer and alot wrong the cancer blister thing bursed from what my dad said and alot of her stuff was already wrong and she had alot of illness wrong and when we walked in I took a step back everyone was there i started to cry her chest going up and down so weak and she was asleep so weak she couldn't open her eyes we told stories my brother  was crying he never cries and after a while my sister and her kids get there and her daughter was the closes to her and she cried over her and all I chould do is cry more after a while my brother left he couldn't Handel it then we left my dad mom other brother sister and 2 daughters left and we went to a Mexican restaurant and cried a little more and after that 12 hours later she was gone the funeral was perfect everything mammy would have wanted I think tons of people showed up and we all cried and huged tons of pictures of her and of her life words were said a poem made and it was all perfect even a church my family had friends in sung a few songs for us I'm not religious but it did bring me to tears and still do after thst she was barried and that was that I still miss her and wish she was here daily...

Then the new year starts we have fun we are doing amazing then I realise I'm 18 I can finally talk to my bio mom that's all she ever wanted I owed her at least one talk with me and if I hated it I would never do it again she brought me in this world what chould hurt well I text my aunt  on Facebook we conect and then she tells me the news your mother passed away she choked on food she has a bad eating disorder she was skinny all my life all the picture of her very bad off and i chould tell she wasn't ever going to ever be ready to be my mom who will make peanut butter sandwiches and watch the  new hunger games with me I always knew that In a way but I knew she was human and she deserved to know me she passes away in 2020 I didn't know my adoupted parents when  confronted said I did know but now that I know I'm in a stage now where I miss her and wish she was here for my big steps of life I have had dreams of being with her and just being normal now I can say she will never be at my wedding or meet my kids her grandkids she will never hear about my first break up or first kiss or find out when I find the one she never saw me graduate from school she never got to see me do any of my mile stones and it's sad and I wish she did she did get to see my grow up through my adoupted mom's Facebook and she never commented her Facebook page bio sticks out to me still  im a bitch and a sinner get off my shit my kids are everything to me she did tons of bad and will always be marked by others as crazy or a phyco but I will always know her as my bio mom and she may not be with me but she is always with me in my heart (also side rant  now me and my brother  who  also her bio son makes jokes here and there and once he thought I stole his candy so I had to prove it so I said on mom's grave and I didn't and it was. Proven i didn't  sorry mom for using your grave but it proved a point)

Then my brother  got into a car crash with my sisters 2 boys and my brother sisters boy and their all in their pre teen early  teen years they wreck and from what I see the boys in the back where finish just scrapes cuts and the youngest of the two in the back he had a nose bleed but was fine and were  scared and my other one has burns from the air bag and was a few scratches and cuts
he was the worse his car was total hit his side his hand was messed up his legs and body was bleeding and cut his and his hearing at the time was bad and so we get a call by him he calls my mom were at the store and we hear mom I wrecked he explains were all freaked but my mom says we need my outfit it was for my grad party and so we go to old navy get a cute ish outfit leave and fine out the boys are going to a hospital near us we go and idk much what happen next bc I went home but all I know is the 3 boys are ok and went home and  has a sling and is home time skip two days ago and gose I should have died it it breaks me knowing he thinks that because every day he drives off I'm scared it will be the last time (as I put that part in he just road up in his newish car) so we talk and I told him how I felt and the truth if he would have died I would have ended it because I can't live without my baby brother who is a year and 2 days apart It was hard living apart for 2 months when I went for treatment and yes he visited he's not a monster but i know I chouldnt live without him and it sad and he doesn't count as a death I know but it was such a scare it felt like a death to me

July 5th a day after my brithday and the day before my brothers My sister calls my mom her ex husband who lived with her and she loved had a heart attack driving and died so we all go to her house and cry its a whole thing we where went to go on a trip its of course canceled My sister from Georgia Flys in and and the next week went slow we spent as much time together as we chould then we had the viewing that night it had music and I cried seeing him of course and we got the hugs kisses whatever and then we had the funeral and funerals I try to block out to pretend they didn't happen in a way but I know they did but his I chouldnt they played some songs and the last being something in the orange then a preacher got up there it was a drama because the song has cusses in them anyway we had it then after we went to kansi a family favorite hibachi and it was good we go home and i don't know it's jsut all a shock and hurts and I don't know what to feel about this one I'm so back and forth me and he had good and bad times and one being he was awful to my sister sometimes and other i was happy they had eachother but at the end of the day he loved his kids and grandkids and rhsrs all that mattered

My uncle he passed a way a few days after Xmas of 2023 I saw him on Xmas he seemed like his normal self for the past 2 3 years o2 and all but he was doing good for someone who had covid and lived and was living with what covid left him with he died with his wife and kids by his side there was drama about his funeral I won't go into but we went it was good and we saw my aunt and it broke me she had this man with her for 50 years and now he's gone we hugged her went to the final resting spot

it's just so wrong the world is just messed up I get when they are mammy elderly ready to go but why take a mother of 3 kids who never got to meet her why try to take a brother and nephews who barley got their life started why take a dad and husband who was struggling enough why take him before he chould finish fixing his mistakes i can see he was fixing himself to be a better man we all chould see that he had 2 grandsons and a grandaugher on the way why take a father a grandfather and a great grandfather a husband  from their family so early is early even a thing anymore or is it just a concept the world made to make us not panic about the end maybe the end isn't actually a plan thing it just happend and the world wants to protect us from that hard hard truth

Or maybe I'm just going through a existential crisis on a Thursday afternoon ....