His last message ~Soukoku~

~5~ Revelation

You know, I never understood what you really thought of me.

Do you hate me Dazai?

Or...

Or what, Chuuya?

Do I hate you, or what?

I would love to know too!

I love you?

Or do I just admire you?

But I feel that what I feel towards you is more.

What did you do to me, Chuuya? Some sort of curse?

If you had been at yesterday's meeting you would have left immediately after it ended.

You hate drinking in company, so you wouldn't have accepted Ane-san's proposal to stay in the room and make a toast.

I don't hate drinking in company, it's just that I liked doing it in the company of only Ango and Odasaku.

Except that from one glass we went to two, three, four, until the only one still sober was your old friend.

If it weren't for the fact that I'm writing to what could very well be a non-existent number, I would have immediately deleted last night's messages. But now, I don't see the point.

You will never read all this.

But here I am, Chibi-chan. It's been four years, but I'm here.

If I were a stupid little girl I would have started using your number as a diary.

Remember that little girl who almost committed suicide in front of us? The one you didn't want to save? Stupid.

I remember very well.

We were at the port, waiting for an illicit trafficker who didn't like the mafia's business. That day there were two ships docked at the lot. We had to keep an eye on the smaller one but, suddenly, you nudged me and with a nod invited me to look up towards the bow of the second one. A girl a few years younger than us was sitting on the railing of the ship, and she was looking down towards the sea. Her long brown hair danced with the wind as she fell down, and so did yours, my dear Chuuya, as you saved her with your skill. You brought her back to the ground, next to me, and we noticed her tears.

«If you're not ready to leave everything behind, don't commit suicide» I told her «So we don't have to stop everything to save you»

«We?!» you exclaimed.

«So Chuuya doesn't have to abandon me at work» I corrected myself, looking you straight in the eyes with an indecipherable expression.

«You didn't say anything about saving her»

«In my opinion, if someone wants to commit suicide he should be free to do so» I replied.

«That's only because you're a suicidal maniac. Tell me, why has it never worked?»