The diary of a 13-year-old narcissist, with problems that her own self created.

01/20/2024

Today my best friend said that she really wants to kill herself, but this time without thinking about how others will miss her.
I even tried to help, but it's amazing how every time my friend talks about how sad her life is I either laugh at the phone screen because I feel like I'm needy at that moment or I get "jealous" because she has a real reason to have a shitty life.
Deep down, I really don't give a shit.
I don't know if it's because I stopped caring over time or if I never really cared.
I'm not a good friend on the inside, but I am on the outside, and in the end, that's what matters, nobody cares about the inside anyway.
It's not like I treat my "friends" badly, I just don't give a shit about them, I treat them well simply to please and be needed, because yes, everything is always about me.
As you may have already noticed, I'm quite narcissistic, but it doesn't matter, because if you see me on the street, I'll be the most empathetic person you know, even though I have some difficulty understanding empathy, I've always tried to force it in me because of my mother's morality teachings.
Returning to the subject of my friend, I already imagined that she would try something from the beginning, I think I kind of want her to try, to see how I would feel if it really happened.
In reality, I don't want to, but if it happened, it would be interesting.
Life is kind of interesting sometimes, because of these things that happen.
Over time, I learned that if you look at things with interest, life becomes a little better.
I think that when you really get to the point of not seeing any reason or importance in life, you start to stop feeling things.
I do quizzes when I'm bored and one of them described me so well that I'm going to tell it here.
I couldn't find it, but it basically told me that I didn't really want to die, but that I didn't see the point in life, which is very true.
My mother and father call me a pessimist but I think I'm a realist, especially because if you use a scale, life is much more bad than good, there are many more sad moments than happy ones but of course the happy ones exist too, they just don't weigh and happen as much as the sad ones.
I don't think my friend is going to kill herself, she cares too much about others to do that, and I think she's a bit scared of these things, I don't know, she doesn't have the profile of someone who would do that.
She cuts herself too, but even so, I don't think she would be that extreme, besides being kind of stupid-
I mean, she wants to stab herself to death, firstly, she doesn't even know the lethal and non-lethal zones, and secondly, she probably would scream and attract attention, probably making an effort but not dying.
Am I saying this to comfort myself? Maybe, I've always bottled up what I felt so much that sometimes I even do it to myself.
My maternal and paternal family (stepfather) got a little better after I talked about my suicide attempt, my mother finally saw how bad I was and decided to finally change her actions.
I think people can only see you when you go to extremes, but In my case, I can't blame them since there is no apparent reason for me to be like this and everyone agrees with me on that.
My mother said these days that she thinks it's a past life thing and I think it could be (what the fuck did I do lmao).
My friend finally answered me, complaining about traveling with her family when she get 15, I think the "you need to see me one last time" thing worked in the end...
Maybe she'll kill herself after school starts again or maybe not, I don't think I care.
I have often wondered if I would really care if my mother died.
The only one who I'm sure would leave a big impact on me if died is my grandmother, who is basically my 2nd mother, even today when we're hanging out alone people talk to her as if she were my mother and I called her mother when I was younger but my mother made me stop out of jealousy.
When I read these texts I write I feel like a monster but, well, I really am one, I just wear a beautiful armor so they think I'm a knight and not a dragon, but the more you look the more you realize it's a dragon and you run away scared, without even wanting to know if the dragon spits fire or not, because in the end "a dragon is a dragon".
I am a cursed dragon, when I was born I was a man but I became a dragon over time and since then, the armor is the only thing that makes me feel like a human again.
Anyway, I decided that I'm going to leave here my playlist where I put the songs that I identify with, my songs will tell you more than I'll ever tell you, you'll really get to know me only if you listen to what my songs say and interpret them in the right way.
Here it is, even if I'm not that important and maybe no one will hear or read this:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1GYiVBqBwOdncVLwMRwmT7?si=_LbhfsuZRZGtLY57VBAvdQ%0A