The diary of a 13-year-old narcissist, with problems that her own self created.

05/08/2024

Right now I'm with my best friend having a very bad anxiety attack, talking on the cell phone.
It had been a long time since she asked me for help, I am even happy now
But, it's triggering me a bit so I might relapse
Well, it's been a long time since I wrote here so I'll update a few things
Yeah, ballet still sucks but it stopped giving me anxiety
I downloaded an app called "I am sober", not to really improve but to see how long I can go without cutting myself (record was 6 days)
My best friend left her virtual boyfriend and is now dating a boy from my class, which sucked because he was previously  having a fling with that girl who spread lies about me, and now her target is my best friend again(but at least everyone is seeing how she truly is)
And finally, my mother fought with me, yes, again
My friend isn't answering me, I guess she passed out...
Anyway, my mother fought with me because she realized what I already said here, I don't care about anything.
I don't study, I don't clean my room, I don't do chores, I don't really care about anything, and she realized it.
She suddenly got angry and started shouting, which scared me since she almost never shouts at me, then she started saying that I don't care about anything, that at my age she cried because she couldn't study (she studied at night and worked during the day), that if I really wasn't caring, I should tell her because then she wouldn't spend another penny on me and send me to a public school, and more things that I don't remember.
Well, I'm honestly okay with all she said about me because it's actually true
Oh, and I forgot that she said the same thing as always about being tired, not being able to take me anymore, that she would send me to my father's house and that she would start needing a therapist because of me
I actually made peace with the fact that I'm a big burden to my mother and father, but it sincerely made me more angry than sad or anything else
I mean, I was planned, if she wasn't prepared she shouldn't have chosen to have a child, it's not like I was unwanted
They wanted me, let them pay, it's not my fault I was born, I didn't ask for it anyway
When I say that my life is ironic this is one of the biggest causes, I was planned but still my father abandoned me and my mother keeps saying she is tired of dealing with me lol
Which is another ironic thing, since she is tired of dealing with my mental issues but also neglects them and acts as if they don't exist
I guess everybody does that tbh
reason 1287459+ why i think i have something lmao
I mean, it could even be "just" an anxiety disorder, but I have something
And if it was a teen drama I wouldn't be like this since I was 8-9 years old
Just found out sh pictures triggers me
It's so uncomfortable not being able to cut too much, I always have to cut a little to keep it hidden, but it's annoying
I want something that reminds me of the pain I went through, to prove that it really was that bad and not just drama
I think this is my biggest trauma, being too sensitive, I may have said this here a few times but my whole life, everything I went through was always because I'm too emotional, too sensitive or too dramatic, the option of actually having suffered never existed for me
Sometimes I wish I had suffered more, had an abusive father, a conservative mother, a toxic family,... anything that would make someone look at me and think "wow, she really suffered..."
I never really vented cause of this, like, what am I going to say? That my life was always good until when I was 8 years old everything simply changed and I don't even know why?? It's just so frustrating...
Well, that's why the title of my diary has the phrase "...with problems that her own self created", I don't know if my problems are real, they just appeared, and as I like hidden meanings, it's also because it seems like every problem I have is my fault when no, clearly is not, at least part of them
Ohhh, I forgot to say, now I go home alone with a girl from school who lives in front of my house, I thought it would be terrible and give me anxiety but it's actually kinda normal idk
And my psychologist said that I'm improving in certain areas, I almost had a meltdown because I didn't want to improve and because I don't know where she saw these improvements, because I was reading my old (private) diary from 2021 and I'm still the same ...
I mean, apart from the fact that in 2021 I cared too much about people and I stopped caring nowadays
My anxiety medication is working (the one the neurologist said), apart from the fight with my mother and earlier today I didn't have any anxiety attacks, at least not strong ones  
And to think that when I want to go to a psychiatrist to take medication "it's not necessary"...
Well, anyway, it's time for me to sleep