Philophobia (Anger is Bliss)

chapter 8

It's Friday morning and I'm ready to go to school.

He walked me home.

Ahem. Last night, Ethen walked me to my house. He took my hand before I got in and apologized. He told me he didn't mean to scare me, that he wouldn't get so close without asking first again. When I didn't say anything after that, he asked if I would be at school today. I told him I didn't have much of a choice. He smiled, said "I'll see you tomorrow, then," and watched me get in and lock the door before leaving. And then my mother drove my sister and I to the restaurant as we had planned. I didn't talk to them about him. I won't. I shouldn't. Why would I?

I'm thinking about him again when I shouldn't and I know that but I can't help it.

What can it be that he seems to like so much about me? I'm not nearly as pretty as him. Or is it just a joke? Why would he want to be my friend? He definitely noticed everyone staring at us when he sat next to me, does he feel pity? I really hope it's not that, though it would make sense.

I hate it when people look at me or act out of pity for me, I don't need anything from anyone.

I look at my phone, 7:54.

"Hurry your ass," I say to my sister, "we gotta go."

"Okay, bitch."

I unlock the door and we leave for the bus stop. Will I see him there? I hope not because if he talks to me when my sister is here, she will bombard me with questions later and tell my mother everything. I don't want that. Like, at all.

If he is there, I'm going to have to be rude and act like he is a creep. I don't want to make him feel like that. Or I could just ignore him. Which seems hard for some reason. It won't be the first time I act that way with him, so what is it that bothers me so much?

Don't answer that.

We get there and I don't see him. I feel relieved but disappointed at the same time.

My sister is still in middle school. Her school is two blocks away. It's much nearer than mine, but she obviously still deserved a bus pass. Even though she rarely uses it.

Anyway, fast enough, the ride is over, and I get off the bus. I walk inside the school and find my classroom as it rings.

I get to class and the teacher sadly places us in alphabetical order. Why do teachers even do that??

I spotted him the moment I entered. He looked at me. He didn't smile but I saw it in his expression.

After looking at me for a couple of seconds, he almost walks to me until the teacher calls his name.

He looks away only when he has no other option and walks to his seat. He's next to a girl. Not just any girl. The girl who doesn't like me. The prettiest girl in here. I feel my heart groan and it sounds like envy.

It angers me.

You're not jealous, you would never be, you hate him, I remind myself. Not like I need a reminder. I don't need one.

The teacher calls my name and I go sit behind them. Ethen turns around and looks at me, I look back and he smiles. I'm nervous. I freeze and break eye contact. I can't believe what happened yesterday. I can't let it happen again. But it feels so exciting and so good to think about it and realize absolutely no one knows about it, and they probably all wish they were me without knowing. I've never felt that before.

"Justin! Is Justin here?" the teacher asks.

"Yup" he answers, heading to the seat next to me.

He smiles at me and I smile back.