Apart of the Cruel World Circus

Dancing in Hell

Another day, another depressing day. Jaxson, my friend and my only; came up to me in the hallway, showing off his new piercing; septum. A small smile teased at the side of my lips. "Looks good on you, Jax." I spoke softly, looking at the titanium bullring in the septum of his nose. "Thank thy green and turquoise haired beautiful wench," he grinned and bowed. That smartass. "So, you wanna skip gym and go take a smoke and a walk of school campus? Huh? Ah? Ah? I know you want to....." He grinned more, a small smile crept onto my face then I shook my head. "No, sorry dude, I can't, I have to do gym. I can't fall. I need a scholarship so I have to get all A's and no absences like we did when we were in junior high. I can't joke around this year, it's important to me." I shook my head as I spoke and walked with him to our gymnasium. Jaxson looked at me, a bit of hurt in his eyes but shrugged it off, "Okay, well, just remember, Jonnie, I'll always be willing to skip class with you." He gave a playful wink then ran off. I watched him go down the hallway, the linoleum tiles shining bright like stars at night due to the bright lights in our school. I sighed as I pushed my way though the maroon double doors into our gym. To the locker room. I trudged to the faded navy blue door, I could hear the giggles and laughter and high-pitched voices of the other girls. I opened the door slowly, it creaked on its rusted hinges and walked towards the showers.
Since we aren't allowed to use the showers, I get changed in them with the curtain drawn. I sighed quietly as I placed my binder and bag on the floor and unzipped my bag to retrieve my basketball shorts and my Of Mice and Men shirt I use for gym. I hung them on the hook right beside me and proceeded to undress. First my pullover Jack Skellington hoodie, then my Pierce The Veil T-shirt, next my jeans; these were a pain to remove. My right thigh screamed at the denim brushing against it. I winced and continued to pull them down then off my feet. I dropped my jeans on the dark blue floor, my belt buckle making a loud metallic clink on the floor. The locker room grew quiet and I slowly ran my fingers over my thigh, warm to the touch. The red, deep horizontal lines were puffy and irritated. I sighed and quickly pulled on my basketball shorts. Before I could get my shirt on the curtain in front of me ripped open. Three girls, laughing and giggling and bombarding me with an arsenal of hateful words. "Fatass! Ugly! Emo! Faggot! Beware of ugly dog! She looks like a wrong answer that someone tried to erase but couldn't quite get the job done! Go kill yourself!" The words hit me like a freight train. Tears welled in my eyes, my knees trembled as the words slapped me.
The three girls; Daina, Egypt and Jane, called me these things, some of the other girls joined in. Chanting over and over the words that had started this.
"What's going on in here?!" Our gym coach, Ms. Wyatt pushed past the girls and stood in front of them, her back towards me. The group of girls grew silent. Tears bled down my cheeks, stippling shirt, leaving black dots on it. "Go. All of you. Do laps. 100 of them. Now. Do it!" Ms. Wyatt shouted and blew her whistle. All of the girls scurried out of the locker room. As soon as they left, Ms. Wyatt turned to me and asked, "Jonnie are you alright?.." her firm voice became gentle like a mothers to a sad child. I bit hard onto my quivering bottom lip before I collapsed into her arms and onto my knees, tears bursting down my cheeks; my barrier broken. My body convulsed with my sobs as I gasped after each cry. I buried my head into the side of her chest and arm. Ms. Wyatt rubbed my back slowly, rhythmically like a mother would and whispered softly, "Shhh...it'll be alright..you can sit out today if you want to, love."
"A-alright..." I managed to push past my crys and hoarse voice.
She got up and left, leaving me alone in the locker room. As soon as I heard the rusty hinges squeak and then the soft slam of the door. I grabbed the strap of my bag and pulled it to me, pushing everything inside it until I found what I needed. My eyeglass case. Although, it didn't have my eyeglasses in them; but cotton pads, needle pads, a small spray bottle of rubbing alcohol, bandages, bandaids, and most important to me, my double-edge razor I stole from my father's shaving kit. He always have extra, so he won't notice. I threw my shirt on the floor, pulled up my basketball shorts, and placed one edge of the razor to my thigh and put pressure. I didn't feel it until after I saw the white part of my skin. "Fuck...new razors..those little shits.." I mumbled softly as I watched the blood well up and into a large bead, I stared at it for a few seconds before placing my razor against my skin again and dragging it, a bit deep like before. I sighed softly, my breath shaky.
My skin was on fire by the time I ended my moment. Beads of blood ran down to the side of my leg like red ripped apart string. "..time to clean up you fuck up." I looked at where my leg was laying -- blood had stippled onto the floor, almost like tears do when they fall off your cheeks and chin. I grabbed my gym shirt and cursed under my breath as I decided to use my shirt to clean up the blood. I took some rubbing alcohol on a cotton pad and gently dabbed my thigh clean. Wincing at the sharp sting, but it was almost pleasant. I grabbed a bandage and wrapped my thigh extra good before I started to put my jeans back on. I grabbed my hoodie and pulled that on, deciding not to wear a shirt anymore. I shrugged to myself and shoved my clothes into my gym bag along with my eyeglass case. The girls had flooded into the locker room again, their voices pissy and talking over one another loudly right as the bell rang. I grabbed my bag and my binder and ran out of the locker room and out of the gymnasium.