Empty Miracles - Kim Jongdae

Empty Miracles

It was nearly two years since he'd been left alone; two years since she didn't come home from the store that one night; two years since he spent days on end sitting in her hospital room; two years since her family took her off life support.

~
I'm struggling to find you who I cannot see
I'm struggling to find you who I cannot hear
~

Chen still called her phone on end just to hear her voice, watched old videos of the two of them just to see her face, visited her house and sat in your room just to try and hold on.

~
I see things that I couldn't see before
I hear things that I couldn't hear before
After you left me, I have grown a power that I didn't have before

The selfish me who has only thought about myself
The me who didn't know your feelings and ignored it
I couldn't believe myself that I have changed this much
Your love can still move me like this
~

He'd be so ignorant, and Chen acknowledged that. He knew she loved him, and only hoped she knew that he loved her in return. Chen hoped that she knew he loved her the day she died. Since her death, Chen had been a shell of a man, not quite sure what to do with himself. It was through the counseling of his friends did he get back on track, trying to be better. Trying to be better for her.

~
If I just think of you, I can fill this world with you
Because each snowdrop is one tear drop that belongs to you
But theres just one thing that I can't do and it's to make you come to me
I hope I don't have this miserable power
~

Every night Chen dreamt of her, and every snowy day he'd stare out the window, and every time he thought he saw her playing in the snow and laughing.

But she was gone.

One thing Kim Jongdae could not do, and he could do many things, is bring her back.

~
The selfish me who has only thought about myself
The me who didn't know your feelings and ignored it
I couldn't believe myself that I have changed this much
Your love can still move me like this
~

It could have been different. Maybe if he had been better, treated her better, she would still be here. "You never know a good thing until it's gone" - Jongdae couldn't argue with that statement, not one bit. It felt as if his heart had been torn from his chest and taken with the girl he loved.

~
Stopping the time, (I) go back to you
I open this book of memories and I open up your page
And in the book I'm in there, in there with you
~

Chen couldn't stop thinking about her. Everything he did, everything he saw, everything he heard was her. His days and nights were haunted by her face and it was like a dream he could never wake up from.

~
The small and weak person, because of your love
Just like this for everything (my whole existence)
I changed the whole world
~

She'd always been so understanding to Chen, even all the times he had ignored her or pushed her away, she was always by his side.

~
The me who didn't know how to be thankful for love
The me who thought that the end was the end
To the image of you who wanted me to be, I fixed myself everyday
I think my love will continue on forever
~

He'd always taken it for granted; the love she gave him, yet even when he was troubled, she was the one he called up. Despite all the heartache he had given her, she would always come and hold him gently in her arms until he felt better. She was his saving grace, and he'd let her be destroyed.

~
Stopping the time, (I) go back to you
I open this book of memories and I open up your page
And in the book I'm in there, in there with you
The things that I met that winter
~

Kim Jongdae would sit on the porch steps of the dorm, holding her diary in his arms. It wasn't until a month after her death that her dared to read it, and what he read only broke his heart more.

It was all about him; every word, line, page. Everything was about Kim Jongdae and her love for him.

She wrote out how much she loved him, and Jongdae never even bothered to tell her.

He would sit on the steps in the snowy winter, reading the diary over and over again. This was all that was left of the two of them.

~
I'm struggling to find you who I cannot see
I'm struggling to find you who I cannot hear
~

Chen was lost in the dark without her. His friends would offer condolences and comfort him, but his heart felt the same emptiness.

Maybe if he hadn't sent her to the store that one night, she would still be there with him.

She was his saving grace, and she died without knowing he loved her.