Invisible, Not Invincible

Chapter 29: Why?

We sat in silence for a few minutes.

The air around us seemed, heavier.

It felt, hard to breathe. Like an enormous pressure on my lungs, keeping them from expanding and taking in air.

You'd think that, theoretically, this would be a joyous moment, one to be thankful for. Filled with gratitude.

But it was the opposite.

Despite Bucky having only just seen my face, it was like he was finally seeing me.

Not for the image he built up in his head, or who he thought I was.

But like, as if I had just taken off a mask. A mask he didn't even know I was wearing.

I couldn't read his expression, I didn't know what he was feeling. He just sat there, silently, looking at me.

Was he going to lash out? Cry? Scream?

I was literally physically sweating.

The tension in the air becoming too much for me, I began to stand up, deciding that maybe it was best to leave Bucky with his thoughts. I headed towards the door,

"Why?" Bucky said, as barely a whisper. He was looking down at his hands, contemplating his question.

I leaned against the door, holding my mug to my chest, silently thinking. Then I let out a small chuckle.

"You know. I always thought of my parents as the devil and angel on my shoulders. That I had a saint and a demon for parents, their blood inside of me. And that it meant that I could be either, good or bad. And after everything, the testing, the training, the torture, all from my own father, I kind of gave up. I let myself succumb to the evil that was mixed in with my DNA. I stopped trying to fight it. I let it consume me, making me into this, zombie.

And I thought that, that was my destiny. The good of my mother in my DNA wasn't strong enough, it couldn't fight off the evil inside of me." I looked up from the warm mug in my hands and brought my attention back to Bucky.

"I can't make up for the sins of my father, for all of the things he did, and the people he hurt. But I can be better, choose to be better. And after everything that you had been through, If there was hope that you were still inside of the Winter Soldier, then there was hope for me. So I made a choice. Letting you go, I don't know if it was more for you or more for myself. But I never regretted helping you get out. Never."

I gave Bucky a weak smile.

"Goodnight James," I said, leaving the porch. Letting him be alone with his thoughts, let him figure out how all of this made him feel.

Whether it was forgiveness, sadness, or hate.

I'd accept it.

Even if he hated me in the morning, just because I had the blood of Hydra running through my veins, I'd accept it. For him, I'd accept it.