Our lovely home, forever loved

ch.1:Come little child

I hate my family.

Not once in my life did they ever appreciate nor acknowledged my existence. Everyday I fight for their love, hoping to one day be 'good enough' to earn it.

But now.. I'm starting to realize that perhaps it's not possible.

I'm an only child, I have to do everything on my own and be pressured with all of their expectation. But at the same time my existence isn't acknowledged.

They don't even remember that they have a child.

My existence is easily forgotten, but my mistakes are always remembered while my achievement are showed off.

Other people would be happy if their parents showed off their achievements since it shows that they are proud at them, right? But not me.

It feels like I'm only seen if I did something worth mentioning for. As if I'm some kind of trophy to brag about while ignoring my feelings.

If I show my feelings, they tell me that I'm 'childish'. If I showed them my pain, then I'm 'selfish' or 'overreacting'.

I'm sick of it! I'm not a trophy without any feelings! I'm not a doll that you can treat however you want! I have feelings too! And you're hurting me.

Yet.. I can't help but long for their approval, their love and acceptence.

I want them to look at me and say: "That's my son!" And actually mean it..

It hurts. I love them, but they don't. No matter what I do, I will never be good enough for them.

"Good job Solar! You got a 100% again"My teacher praised me as usual.

I forced myself to smile and took my exam paper.

"Aren't you happy? You got a 100%!"My classmate said.

"Of course"I lied.

"But you don't seem that happy! I would've showed off my grade to everyone if I got a 100%"

"You know that I don't brag about my grades"

"True"They sighed. "You're so modest Sol"

"Mhm"

I'm not. I simply don't feel anything until my parents see it.

As soon as I arrived home, I showed them my exam's result, hoping to see some kind of reaction from them.

"Good" Was all that they had to say and handed back the paper.

That's it? That's all you have to say after I stayed up all night just to learn for this exam?

"This was quite hard"I said, hoping for something which I know would never happen.

"But not for you"My dad said with his signature smile that might aswell be no reaction at all.

If other people saw and heard his words, they would think that my dad is actually proud and knows that I'm smart. But I know him better than anyone else.

That smile of his means nothing. Those words sounds nice but has two meanings. One is: "My son is smart" two is: "My son is smart." But see it in another perspective. He doesn't simply mean that I'm smart, but that I'm his son, so I'm expected to be smart.

If not.. then I'm nobody's son.

My mother of course was too busy with her work that she was doing on her laptop to give me even a little bit of her attention.

"Yeah"I laughed, but I feel nothing.

"Going to learn again?"My dad asked when I was on my way to my room.

"Yes!"I replied.

"That's my son!"He cheerfully said.

Sometimes I wish that I was naive instead, so I could actually believe his words.

The moment my door closed, I dropped on the ground, hugging my legs and burrying my head.

"Why do I know the true meanings behind their words!? Why can't I just be naive.."

But of course, I know the reason.

"I hope mommy and daddy will like it!"I giggled as I tip-toed my way to my parents room while holding a picture of us three.

Their door was unlocked and I could hear them talking, so I patiently waited in front of the door for them to finish talking.

Mommy and daddy are very busy business people, so I can't interrupt their conversation!

But instead of hearing them talk about money and business as usual, I hear them talking about me instead.

I couldn't help but smile, thinking that they would say something nice about me.

"Did Solar draw that?"My father asked.

"Yes, he did"My mom said in a surprisingly annoyed tone.

Did mommy not like it..?

I moved closer to the door to hear them more clearly.

"He is wasting his time!"My dad scoffed. "He should focus on learning instead of drawing this nonsense"

"I know, it's not even good"My mom scoffed and I could hear the sound of paper ripping apart. "He keeps drawing recently and still he isn't improving. Does he not realize how time wasting this is?"

Oh.

Oh.

That was the day when little naive me dissappeared, replaced by a logical me who was far too mature for my age.

When I was younger I was afraid of how mature I was, because that mature side of me showed me the truth of everything, but little me wanted to be deceived by the lies. Even when it hurts.

I stood up, let myself fall on my bed and cried silently until I fell asleep.

I just want to be loved.

When I opened my eyes again, I was in a field of iris and my body had turned into that of a seven year old child.

Where am I!? And what happened to my body!?

"Hello"A gentle voice suddenly said and I quickly raised my head to see its owner.

A tall figure wearing a veil to cover their face stood in front of me.

When did he..?

"Your wish have been heard my dear"

I immediately knew what he meant by that and looked at him with surprise.

"How did you know..?"I asked.

"I just do"He crouched down to my level and extended his right hand to me. "Come with me my little child"

"I.."Something about him makes me want to trust him. Other than that.. I'm tired.

Despite his veil, I could feel that he was smiling at me. "Come and let me take away your pain"

Without thinking I moved closer and took his hand. "Please"

That was the last thing I remembered before I woke up in an unfamiliar room.

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