library hearts

27 | unfair

I stay in the park, text Aren for a bit, but he's got some plans with some other friends, so after a while, he's got to go, and I'm alone with the trees and the sky and the leaves on the ground again. Just like I was in the beginning. Before all of this happened. When I was just Aspen, and not... whatever I am now. A friend. A liar. A sinful daughter.

I hate myself so much, but I don't want to hurt myself. I never want to. They probably want me to take that damn knife and hurl it into my throat, but I don't. I really don't.

And that makes me hate myself even more.

I cover my face in my hands, rubbing my eyes until phosphenes appears in the darkness. Colorful swirls, stars, forms that I can't name and shadows of colors that isn't even real.

This is a typical moment where I cry.

But right now, I'm just too tired to feel anything. The meeting with Bale begins to fade away, and I question if it's even real, even after I check my phone and the message persists, like an ominous reminder of what will happen if I don't keep my mouth shut.

I just want reality to pause for a bit.

So I can just take a couple of deep breaths. Press the pause button, flip down the computer lid without really closing it, staring into the wall for just a moment before I raise it again and hit play.

But reality doesn't have those pause moments. You just have to... keep going.

I can't look London into the eyes right now, even though my heart is longing after her. That's what makes me open the chat with Mum, I don't really know what's making me, because I don't want to chat to her at all, but then I see the message. It's sent about a week ago, I've already seen it and decided to ignore it, but I can't do anything London-related at the moment. Maybe this is the time.

Mum<33: So I was thinking (sorry if I'm cringe messaging you, but I didn't want to disturb you, you seemed to be a little irritated) maybe you could message Cooper Ryde? No one has checked out how he's doing, and I think you are the one he could listen to. He's probably heartbroken after all of this. And we all must work together to patch this hole together.

My heart aches as my eyes follow the text. This message is from when she was conscious, when she still cared about her life and surroundings. When she still cared about me. She would never send me something like this anymore. We barely talk to each other nowadays.

Aspen: hi, what are you up to?

Finger trembling a little, I press send. I have to wait for only a couple of seconds before his answer comes, under the name I chose for him – the only change is the (Atlas bf) added at the end. As if I could ever forget that.

Cooper (Atlas bf): is this atlas sister

Aspen: yeah

Cooper (Atlas bf): ok

Aspen: i just thought... I should check on you. maybe. idk

Aspen: i mean you two were kinda close

Aspen: i can't imagine how you must be feeling

Aspen: i'm rambling sorry-

Cooper: nah it's alr. i miss her very much.

Aspen: me too

Cooper: it hurts every time I see anything reminding me of her

Cooper: it can be the tiniest things

Aspen: i feel that. so much.

Aspen: a fkn sharpie marker triggered me to have a damn panic attack