all i want - rinney - ANGST (REWRITTEN)

prologue

 Finney didn't quite know when he'd stopped moving or how much he was shaking until Gwen tugged on his arm. He hated the way she looked at him now, like he was just the most pitiful thing she'd ever laid her eyes on. But he supposes maybe it's how she should be looking at him, it's not like it's far off. It's not intentional but he knows how much he's changed since they found the bodies, since he got kidnapped. He is pretty fucking pitiful. He looks like a walking corpse, he's barely speaking; it's like everything he used to be is gone. Then again, everything he used to be had been brought out by Robin.

So now looking between Robin's obituary and his casket, he feels even more hollow than before he left his house. He didn't even think it was possible. It's not the first funeral he's been to this week. He went to the funeral of every single victim of the Grabber. In a way, he sort of felt connected, they did help get him out afterall. He felt it was only right to pay his respects to them, even if the last thing he wanted was to leave his room.

The first funeral was Griffin's. Finney noticed that it was smaller, the only people seemingly there were his family. Finney had chosen to stand quietly in the back of the church. Bruce's had been next and was quite the opposite. It was packed, family, friends, teachers, and the entire baseball team came. Finney had no choice but to stand at the back. Billy's had been next. It was somewhere in between. Not as small as the first but not as crowded as the last. Finney did notice that the family had brought his dog to the service. How they got the church to allow that, he'd never know but it's not like he dwelled on it long.

The next was Vance's and it had gone a bit differently than the others. It was small, just like Griffin's. A lone woman with blonde hair was at the front and there were a few other people around. A few he recognized from school and actually a couple of police officers. He knew Vance was a regular at the station but he didn't expect the cops to show up for more than to keep unwanted people from coming in. That, while slightly unusual, wasn't the weirdest part. Like he'd done with the rest, he stood quietly at the back until it was time to leave. He was about to step out when he heard someone call for him. He really didn't feel like talking but he figured whoever it was was having a pretty fucking bad day too. When he turned, the blonde woman was there. She was still crying but she'd hugged him and thanked him for bringing her son home. He felt like that should be reserved for someone who would've brought him home alive. Not the one that got lucky enough to escape. He just nodded his head, gave his condolences and well wishes then left.

This funeral was the most different though. He couldn't just be dropped off and face it alone, Gwen and even his dad had insisted on coming. He couldn't bring himself to get any closer to the casket, to his body. The pictures of Robin set up next to it made him feel sick. It was him, he knew it was, he'd seen these photos so many times before. They just didn't feel like him. The photos didn't get the joy in his eyes or the way one side of his mouth would lift just a bit higher than the other, his dimple, nothing. None of it was there, it was like it was some weird clone or something. It wasn't him, it couldn't be him. He couldn't do this, he had to leave. He started to turn around but Gwen's hand was still on his arm and his dad's hand was on his shoulder. He had no way out. He couldn't even look at Mrs. Arellano, he felt like he failed her. Her son had always protected him and Finney couldn't even do the same. He's such a fucking joke.

And of course, with the universe having it out for him and all, Mrs. Arellano comes over to him. She engulfs him in a hug and he can feel her crying. He knows she's trying her best to keep it together and he feels guilty. So, he just does his best to hug back and comfort her because it's the least he can do but he just doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know how the hell to do anything anymore. He quietly goes along when Mrs. Arellano brings him to the front with her and he sits quietly through the service. He barely makes it through. She doesn't make him go up and speak which he's grateful for. There are plenty of things he could've said about Robin and the kind of guy he was. So much but he wouldn't be able to face everyone when he talked about how great Robin was.

Finney was the reason Robin wasn't here. The Grabber didn't keep two kids at the same time. And Finney had come right after and it wasn't a matter of The Grabber not keeping people long. He kept Vance for months but Robin for not even two weeks. He couldn't fathom why he was still here and Robin wasn't. He was ready to give up in here but Robin fought till the end, he fought even after he died. He should've lived. How could he look anybody who loved Robin in the eyes anymore? It was his fault, if he'd been smarter or faster or tougher maybe Robin would still be alive. When it was over she pulled him aside and told him he'd always have a place in her home. He just nodded and thanked her, saying he'd be over to visit sometime soon.

He really did mean to do it but he just couldn't bring himself to go over there. He knows if he went over there, the second the door opened he'd be destroyed all over again. Because he knows that if he went, despite knowing that he wouldn't ever see Robin there again, he'd still expect for him to open the door. He'd expect to see the same smile and be pulled inside while listening to Robin talk about whatever movie they'd be watching or whatever he did that day. And either way, it's better off that she doesn't see him. Sooner or later she'll realize that he's the one at fault and she'll hate him, the best he can do is prepare them both for that moment.

When he gets home he goes straight to his room. He doesn't eat or talk to Gwen or do anything other than lay in his bed and stare at the ceiling fan until he inevitably cries himself to sleep. The same routine he's had for the last twelve nights. And the same one he's pretty sure he'll have for the rest of his life.