What My Mind Is Thinking

When I'm alone

I make crazy things when boredom strikes the hell out of me like putting makeup on my face then looks gorgeous. Haha ^____^. I just use liquid eyeliner, powder, and an eyeliner. I don't have lipstick but it's okay. I just wanted my eyes to look like a rock star, hihihi. I don't know what makes me gorgeous just by that. Haha. The black of my eyes are small, that's why I look sleepy or something. And I'm sad about that because I won't have beautiful and charming eyes like the other girls. But when I put those makeup, although I just barely use those, I feel like I'm a beautiful human being and I deserve someone whose as beautiful as me. But when those are washed off, I feel down. That I shouldn't choose who I will be with in the near future. That I should accept whoever I'm destined for. What I'm thinking is pathetic because I know whoever that might be, I will be happy with him and when that time comes, I know I won't find another man.

(Oh no, what am I thinking? I thought it's about me being alone. Sorry.)

I love singing even though I'm out of tune. Although, they say I have a nice voice. Mmh-mmh (feeling proud). Makes me feel flattered, at the same time, feel awkward. When I feel like singing even if it's at midnight, I sing. I don't care about other people sleeping, that's how rude I am but I'm not extremely loud, okay? Just enough for my little brother, who is sleeping beside me, to hear. He won't hear it tho, 'cause he's evidently sleeping but I don't know if there was a time that he had woke up because of me being loud. I won't care. I usually sing when I'm alone. My neighbors can probably hear me sing because y'know, I can even hear them talking inside their house, much more me singing like I'm really into the song and I don't care.

When I'm watching a comedy/romance movie/show on television, I laugh really loud. Haha, can't afford watching on a cinema. It's like I'm free. Nobody would care if I'm being crazy or not. Laughing while texting. Laughing at something I have read. Laughing crazily on the mirror watching how ugly I am.

Reading in a British accent or Russian. Whatever that accent might be. It could be anything or mixed.

Talking to myself. Telling myself I'm being stupid.

This is just a secret, okay? I do watch hentai, hihi. And also real porn. For me, there's nothing wrong about watching that, as long as you don't do it yourself. Find a partner. Hahaha, I'm just kidding. (See how crazy I am.)

I love being alone in our house. It's like I'm being me when I'm alone. I don't need to be plastically nice towards other people. I don't need to interact with them. Why? Because i don't want to say something that would hurt them emotionally. That if I had unconsciously chosed the wrongs words to say they would breakdown and get secretly mad at me and I wouln't know. They would just eventually stop talking to me. I don't want to be rejected and because of that, I've been like a snob. I'm the one who rejects. Keeping a straight-face and not engaging to anyone talking nearby. And that's why, I'm a boring person. I can laugh, talk, and stay quiet for the rest of my day at home, alone. I know it's sounds crazy but that's what I actually feel. I enjoy being with just myself :) I don't see anything wrong with that.

But of course, loneliness and sadness won't be out of question. There are times that I feel lonely when I'm alone. That time when my mama suddenly crosses my mind and realizes how much I miss her. My embarrassing moment with someone and thinking "I should've never said that", "I should've never did that" and "I should've stayed silent like I always do", wishing I was not there and wishing they would forget those things I've said and done. Hoping that I never existed in that actual moment.

There's still a lot more crazy things I do when I'm bored and when I'm alone. How 'bout you? Feel free to comment it.

(Although, I know there won't be comments coming. I don't even have a reader but that's just totally fine.)

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    Yan lamang po muna. Para namang may readers ako. Hehe. Ang baliw ko lang talaga.

- [Black]