Forced Down The Aisle

1. Mother And Her Son

July 29th
Dear Loser Diary,
It's the next day, in the morning. I left writing on you last night saying that I was done writing on you. I was crying and trembling about how disappointed I was with how things were going. I had lost all hope and was sure I wasn't going to write on you anymore.

How would I continue writing, when I was going to be a single mom? What would I write about when LaQuinn and I have broken up, and there was going to be no wedding anyway?

But, since LaQuinn found me crying under the dark blue covers last night, when he got out of the shower, I had no other choice but to confront him on what I saw on his phone. He assured me though that, it wasn't him who wrote it. He didn't write that draft. It was his friend at work who wrote it trying to convince him to break up with me. But he has refused to send it because he is in love with me and doesn't feel any of that in the draft message. It took me some time to calm down before trying to fall asleep after that. I've woken up this morning with a clear mind and I'm not shaking anymore so I thought, let me give another shot writing on you, and forget about the whole thing.

Let me get back on writing and get back to happy thoughts. But for now, let me go and pump first.

*****

I've just finished pumping. I'm still in bed though. LaQuinn is with me. As long as Mei and Jose are still in their beds, we're also going to be in ours.

Now, I'm not sure if I should wait for Jose to wake up from his sleep, or if it's okay to wake him up while he's still sleeping. I just asked LaQuinn, and he thinks that I should wait for him to wake up by himself.

I normally breastfeed Mei Saturday mornings so, before I head out with Jose, I'll do that. He'll also have his breakfast then we'll go. This time, we're going to spend longer outside, since the sun will be rising instead of setting. So we'll have plenty of daylight. But, we'll turn around once it gets too hot, a perfect time to come back for lunch.

I'll make lunch before LaQuinn heads out, and I'll spend the rest of the day relaxing with the gang. Keyword here is, relaxing. Relaxing from the hectic morning exercise that I'll do with Jose. The exercise his going to make me do. I didn't know I had two personal trainers living with me. My mom would love that if she knew how much Jose and LaQuinn make me do cardio.

After I breastfeed Mei again, I don't have to do anything for the rest of the day, but lay around on the couch. That, I'm excited for. At least, that's my plans.

I realize that, this schedule means every Saturday mornings, I'll be having a mommy/son time with Jose, and that would mean LaQuinn gets to have a daddy/daughter time with Mei. Then we switch on Sunday mornings since, I still want to keep my Sunday mornings mommy and daughter time, watching morning cartoons with Mei. LaQuinn can have Jose.

Now, I need to go take a shower and get dressed, then brew LaQuinn and I some coffee, so we can have our breakfast. I'm sure the smell of coffee will wake him up completely, so we can both begin our day.

*****

You can imagine, I'm still tired from my walks with Jose. Will, yes, walks. This evening, before sunset, I had another round with Jose because LaQuinn told me Jose needs another walk and I was the one to do it because he was "too tired" from the laundromat to do it. Can you believe him? Between me and him, he's the one who's tired. So I had to take Jose, again.

LaQuinn believes that, Jose has to be taken for a walk closer to the middle of the day at least once a day that way, he won't be cooped up all day inside, and so that he can get his exercise. "That's the best time of the day to take him for a walk," is what LaQuinn had told me. But, since I decided to be a "rebel" (can you believe it, he called me a rebel), I took Jose too early for his walk, so now, he must have pint up energy from being inside all day cooped up and now, he needs to go release it before he starts barking at us durning the night.

What does Jose's barking problem have anything to do with his pint up energy? That's what I wanted to ask LaQuinn, but I didn't. I got his point. If we can make sure Jose is worn out a bit, he'll be too tired to bark all night at us, or at least, that's what we hope. We're not sure really why he barks at night.

So then, I had to manage Jose's walk. When I returned, I needed to breastfeed Mei, then make dinner. It was a long evening. Now the day is over, and Sunday is breathing down our necks. But, I can say, I'm glad.

Sunday, my lucky day of the week. I get to start the day off with a lazy morning watching some lovely cartoons with Mei.

I also don't have to worry about walking Jose. I still can't believe that I have to do that every week. It's the sacrifice I have to make so I can breastfeed Mei, instead of having to pump in public in a parking lot.

LaQuinn just started to trace one of my blue angel wing tattoo on my left shoulder blade. It looks like he's mindlessly doing this because, he still has his eyes on the television. Should I keep writing on you? We're already in bed. Since I'm topless and he's shirtless, I think I should just go cuddle with him and gently stroke his chest hair. Just that and nothing more. Night, night Loser Diary.

July 30th
Dear Loser Diary, it's noon now. I've been laying around with Mei and LaQuinn in bed the whole morning watching cartoons. Yes, LaQuinn included. So much for mother and daughter time. He didn't want to go and walk Jose in the morning because, he didn't want to walk him in the evening. He's waiting for, afternoon to do this, so he can only walk him once. So mother and daughter time has to wait until later this afternoon.

Now, on to not-so-relaxing news: not too long ago, LaQuinn got a call from his mother. Oh, how she makes me feel uneasy. She was curious to know, when did we plan to go meet with this pastor that she connected us with. She wanted to know which date we had planned to get married, so she can inform this pastor when we're coming. She insisted that, we go see this pastor if we were really serious. He can help us pick a date according to the church's schedule, and we can also agree on the payment details with this pastor. She ended the conversation there with LaQuinn. It seemed like, she didn't want to talk to me about it. I've never felt so much pressure in my life before. I honestly have already forgotten that, she had already found us a pastor.

I told LaQuinn that, I don't know much about our wedding plans yet, that I'm still stuck with finding a venue.

I'm suppose to be wedding planning now in my other journal, but I decided to write on you first. But, I suppose, I should get on to doodling in my wedding planner now. Who knows, I may just get ideas that way.