I Used To Be Alright

Chapter 19

Ryujin

After months of sobriety, Ryujin found herself at her usual spot at the bar yet again – staring at her 5th tequila shot of the night.

She's expecting her company to arrive soon, having left the rushed voice message half an hour ago.

She downed the shot and ordered another one immediately.

Still. Thinking.

Need to get thoughts out of my mind.

She kept repeating the words until they sounded funny in her head.

Several minutes later, she felt an aggressive hand on her shoulder.

"What took you so long?" She tried her best to keep her words straight as the girl sat beside her with a perplexed expression on her face. It was immediately replaced by concern when Ryujin started crying.

"Ryujin-ah. What's wrong?"

She relied on the girl's support as she shook her head and cursed herself for not trying hard enough to keep it in.

She misses Yeji. But she isn't allowed to call her anymore.

"I fucked up."

She struggled to keep her head straight.

"I fucked up real bad, Minjeong-ah. I think-"

She started hiccuping like a child on chokehold.

"I think I'll hate myself for a long time because of this."

Minjeong stared at her with worry and sighed.

"Alright. We definitely need to talk about that. But for now, I need to get you home."

She motioned for the bartender to close the tab and lead Ryujin to her car.

The next morning, a loud banging on the door woke Ryujin up.

She glanced at the clock – Who the hell is at my door at fvcking 9AM?

She fought through the series of vision spiraling and bone cracking to get through the door.

She was greeted by a huge cold bottle of sports drink and a quizzically-looking Minjeong.

"Minjeong-ah?"

The other girl walked past her and settled on the couch. "Drink up. And you better tell me the whole thing this time."

Right. I called Minjeong last night. She must've brought me home, too.

Ryujin did as she was told and sat in front of the short-haired girl.

"Sorry for the trouble last night." She started.

Minjeong's eyebrow shot up.

Ryujin proceeded to tell her everything. How she felt a tinge of jealousy when Minjeong was making moves on her, and how she didn't understand it fully back then. How her feelings grew, without her being 100% aware of it, after Jeju. How Yeji, as she thought of it, has always felt like comfort. The transition from thinking and calling her when she's drunk, to actually longing for her when she's not. Being sober for months because she was too busy thinking about excuses to go and see her.

The frustration, and the cycle of overthinking. The sting of something unexplainable when she saw her exchanging giggles with the barista in the coffee shop beside uni. The doubts, and ultimately, the fear – of possibly not being able to go back in case her feelings bring her heartache, of hearing the words 'i don't feel the same'.

And the fucked up thing that she did after acknowledging that fear.

By the time she finished, her chest seemed to feel a little lighter. But her heart felt the heavier it's ever been – especially after seeing the sympathy in Minjeong's eyes.

After a few minutes of silence, Minjeong finally spoke up.

"Well, you did mess up."

Ryujin just sighed and sank back to the sofa.

"You know, I could already feel that you've liked her for some time now. I just couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when it started. Nonetheless, you were a good friend when she rejected me. But the thing is, I didn't think you'd take this long to figure it out. And I really want to smack your head right now because of what you did."

Minjeong sat up.

"Why do you keep on going back to Somi when you don't even like her one bit? And you couldn't wait? It was a one night difference and you could've won. Both of you. She took her time and gathered her courage, and I understand that it was frustrating, when both of you don't know how to confess and shit. But... you know her better than I do, and even I am aware how slow she processes things sometimes. And you just couldn't wait."

Ryujin kept quiet – she didn't have any excuse for what she did. All she remembered was the intensity of her fear, and the temporary comfort knowing that Somi was the safe option. That she wouldn't risk herself being hurt by clinging back to what's familiar.

Without even thinking about anyone else, she ended up ruining something that could've been a great thing.

"I didn't think that you'd ever get caught in this thing, Ryujin-ah. You have always been the most laid back out of all of us. Not worrying about feelings and what not."

Minjeong broke her out of her thoughts.

"This might've been the most stressed that you've been. And I don't know how to pull you up from this hole, man. I'd tell you to decide and fix it, but I don't think it'd be that easy. Yeji poured herself to you. And you... you punched a hole and wasted her."

I should've stopped when I could. But making her smile felt like a sudden addiction. She thought to herself.

"So what do you plan on doing? With the kind of heart that she has, she might actually stay friends with you."

Ryujin smirked coldly.

"Better than her not being in my life at all, right?"

Minjeong shook his head lightly.

"I don't know, I'm really not in the position to say what's right or wrong. But if you really want to at least maintain the friendship... make sure to do it right this time."

Ryujin could only nod.

She buried her face in her hands and accepted defeat.