Nonzwakazi

I want to cry...

01

***Unedited***

She paces towards me with shock and confusion sitting heavily on her face. The fact that she is here right at this moment makes me feel like I can finally breathe without feeling restricted. I can finally blink without the fear of tears cascading my face soaking me with remembrance of my once happy life and marriage before reality snuck in like a thief at night.

She lays her delicate soft hands on my face before her eyes glisten with tears of her own which want to be let free by her stalking eyes. I am amazed at how beautiful she has stayed for many years and the kindness that embraces me shows me that her heart would never be darkened by my misguided hatred towards her. Liyana had been one of my friends growing up, her smile so sweet yet her words so humble. She was and still remains to be something that I aspire to be.

I have painted myself using a  brush of righteousness while in actual fact I was the reincarnation of the devil in red bottoms. My life being so picture perfect from the moment I was born and maybe that's why I have been served with a cold plate filled with reality and truth reminding me that I am only just human. A human born with privileges which I didn't even lift a finger to work for, just been spoon fed by life's unappreciative impulses towards all that I have done.

Liyana hold my face for a minute or two before the question floods out of her soft lips. "What are you doing here?" The question is straightfowards but my mind struggles to inform my mouth to utter the slightest of sound which would help me inform her of all my well deserved misfortunes. I just sit there watching her before she raises her voice announcing for a nurse.

The nurse's shock is visible from the way her face scrunches in an inappropriate way indicating that she is not used to the tone in which she was addressed in. "What has this patient been injected with?" Liyana's tone still holds rage and anger while her face fails to muster the same reaction.

I have always known why my brother chose to marry such a well-mannered, humbled and kind-hearted human being. He did it because he didn't need nor want a resemblance of myself stuck with him for the rest of his life till death do them apart.

The nurse's answer is vague as if intently questioning why a Doctor of such prestige would care for a meaningless mentally impaired human like me. "May I ask why? Where is her file that shows that she is physically a danger to herself and the people around her?" The question makes me wonder if Liyana is planning on making me suffer for all those times when I caused her grief when my brother informed the family of the reunion between the two souls. If I could I would snap my head towards her direction and stare at her with remorse for all the souls I have tortured.

"Doctor Mxanxa informed us to keep her sedated as to keep her from injuring herself" the name brings disgust to my body as a familiar urge to vomit out what I had been forced to eat comes to mind before I dismiss it. The nurse not only sounds like Liyana is wasting her precious time but also the sound of her foot continuously tapping the tiled floor makes me want to just lunge at her and break the damn foot off.

Be nice Nonzwa you should be willing to change not keep the old you intact in case the almighty delivers more pain and suffering to you.

My subconscious reminds me as I shoo the thoughts out of my mind and focus on the interaction between the two. Although I can hardly see a thing because they have decided to move from my peripheral view and are now standing behind me. Before I know that my wheelchair is being pushed out towards one of the rooms that I occupy. My nerves skyrocket because I really do want to go home but my fate lays in Liyana's hands.

She stands infront of me brushing my unkept hair using her soft hands. "Hey! everyone's been looking for you after Meliwa said you just up and left. Your father is the most stressed of them all and I think it's now gotten to a point where it's affecting his health more than anything."

Meliwa, a name I once adored and cherished. One that belongs to a man I thought was my everything, at one point in my life I had hope that soulmates really do exist until he threw a brick on our perfect mirror and shattered it into peices.

"No one really believed him, I mean we've been looking for you for months on end. We've looked everywhere but never thought you'd be in here" her tone sounds like pity, I don't deserve to be pitied by her after everything I did to her all I deserve from her at this moment is for her to leave me in this place and act like I never existed. "I don't see any clothes so I'll just leave with you like this. I hope you don't mind I know how you like your clothes" if I could I would laugh out loud at that comment but I can't. Mainly because clothes are the last thing on my mind right now.

She said we are leaving. That makes my heart leap for joy. I attempt to smile but I know no movement would cross me because everything that belongs to me is numb. She pushes me out much to the nurses displeasure. When we are outside the gates and in the car after a few minutes of struggling with getting me into the car, we drive out and I just bask in the different air that crosses my nostrils. This is refreshing, sweet and just great. I want nothing more than to throw my heavy self on my father's welcoming arms and just cry, cry like I've never been able to cry before.

I want to cry for every little thing that has happened. I want to cry for being a sweet little Angel in front of my father but the devil herself when he isn't in the room. I want to cry for my hiprocracy, selfishness, arrogance, pride, judgement and overall me. I want to cry because the person that I have grown up to be is a monstor hiding in money and fame. Fame of which I don't even deserve. I want to cry for the lost love that I thought was love when in actual fact was just a money scheme through me to him.

I just want to cry.