GASAT

Arem

"Congratulations!"

It is supposed to be a happy occasion, but hearing the congratulations from the crowd is making me feel uncomfortable.

"Congratulations to the newly weds!"

"Kastaman!"

"Sya upay na nan kagasat William."

The crowd's happy congratulations started to echo in my ears - painfully.

My ex is standing with his wife at the platform they turned into a stage. I could not see the wife's face. The rays from the window are somehow shining too much on her face she's almost blurry.

Nakatayo ako sa pinakalikod, watching all these smartphones aiming their cameras at them. 

May kumalabit sa akin at bumulong, "Happy birthday, bebe girl."

Boses yun ni Xenon, yung best friend kong namatay sa dengue noong 2016.

Before I could turn to face him, he hugged me. Somebody's phone started to ring. It was too loud. "Kanino yan?!" The ringing took over the room. Palakas nang palakas.

********

Bzzzz!!!!

Kasabay ng vibration ng smartphone ang tunog ng Skype ring tone. Tumatawag si Chelsea.

"Girl, naka leave ka ba?" Bungad niya?

A little confused, I wiped the tears off my cheeks. "Kakagising ko lang," I answered in my hoarse voice. Kalokang sipon kasi to, hindi na mawala-wala.

"Kaloka ka. Late ka na," sabi niyang tumatawa.

***

The tears didn't stop there. I hugged my knees for a minute habang pinapakiramdaman ang palpitations sa dibdib ko. "Please, God..." I whispered.

"Just a dream, Arem," I took a deep breath and rolled off the bed. "Just a dream."

***

"Eto na ang sign mo para mag Baguio!"

These whom we generally used to call vloggers are now categorized as influencers, content creators, etc, and they are advertising this city too much. So many describing words have evolved during and post-pandemic.

I scrolled down, not finishing the Baguio content of another TikToker. A new dance trend is playing on my screen now.

Naalala ko when Tiktok was still a fresh app. People would laugh at me for using it. Konti lang ang trend noon: dubbing, tutting, and a little bit of dancing. There were limited options to edit, but I was enjoying it. It was fun. It still is fun now but it was different in 2019. Maybe because of its limited options to create a content - not everyone can easily manage a fifteen-second video that is entertaining and creative. So much effort and creativity to put into the content then.

My mind drifted to the Tala dance trend. It took two hours for me to master the choreography and record the 15-second video. There were no transition options before. So, timing was everything back then.

Watching the new dance trend, my mind says 'Do it', but my heart is not into it.

I sighed and slowly drifted to my now habitual contemplations.

I used to write short stories when I was in high school. My classmates would pass that dedicated notebook around. My inspiration then was when I read a printed advertisement at the back of a pocketbook. Since then, I always wanted to publish a novel or two.

From pocketbooks, which I started reading at thirteen, my reading appetite went up to thicker novels. During a summer vacation at my mother's home village, hoping to find more pocketbooks na PHR (Precious Hearts Romances), I found a ripped book instead. So many pages torn. Yung title is printed sa top part ng every left page. "The Secret Garden." I got hooked up but was not able to find out the ending dahil kalahati lang ng book ang naiwan. I was only able to finish the story when I went to college in Benguet where there was internet and I discovered PDFs.

My first book hardbound read was when I was fourteen. It was a book called 'Peppermint Pig'. I frequented the school library since. Until nagbukas ang unang Municipal Library, I found "The Da Vinci Code." My interest in the book was from reading the tabloid pages where Solenn Eusaf's interview revealed that her favorite book is that. And it eventually became my favorite.

Books aside, I am questioning myself why I stopped reading. My focus on reading doesn't last for at least thirty minutes like it used to.

Dancing. Reading. Writing.

"What else were the things you used to do before you dated him?"

I was in a scheduled meeting with our HR earlier. That was his question. "I can't remember," I said. But I do now at this hour.

I would not have had this weekly session with my HR hadn't I broken down in front of my boss two weeks ago. I had been messing up badly in the past month. Fortunately, mabait ang amo ko. He asked me to go to therapy. I reached out to our HR supposedly to get a referral letter for therapy but he suggested we do a weekly talk. If talking doesn't help AT ALL, that will be the time he would refer me to a therapist.

The talking did help. It was not a significant impact, but it somehow helped me get the emotions out of my system and snap out of the drama.