𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐌𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐋 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 | heehoon

chapter four

ⓘ 18+

me and Jay went to have dinner together after sweating my ass off. a table ahead the windows, he tried to change my mind by talking about school or just our incoming lacrosse game, which I completely forgot about once sunghoon's skin slipped into my hands like water runs down my own skin. I looked into my phone once again, staring at our texts with a little bit of hope, I'm always expecting for a reply, where hope lingers my mind even if the odds are low, my latest message is left seen like this morning, he's probably sick of me.

It's easy for him to show hatred when both of our gazes meet. Something within my aura lights up the fire within his core.

although I've always thought it was his true feelings, it's actually the only way he can show his interest and passion to someone.

he doesn't hate my guts, he's just addicted.

"heeseung, are you okay?"

"uh?" I glanced over the table, I met his eyes but the only thing I saw was how worried he was, coming from a friend who hates me for a great percentage ever since I began to prank him or just tease, I'm left wondering and confused, but we're best friends so I understand, he's here for me no matter what even if I'm a jerk to him time to time, I would do the same for him, even if it's complicated to read his expression or his feelings "you keep staring at your phone, did something happen?"

"ha, no it's nothing serious, seriously"

"If you say so"

our plates finally arrived, we ate in silence and so was the ride home, except for the moment I was about to get out of his car "if you need to talk, just come over, I'll be there" I smiled in defeat, I couldn't feel relieved nor glad about his statement, but I can accept it, or even tolerate his words, feeling relieved would only prove that I can't put my life together on my own, I don't want to rely on someone else when it turns out to be complicated for me, it's stupid, but I'm not flawless "sure."

I closed the door behind me and left to enter my home. my aunt is watching the television, she's alone and there is no one else but us, I sort of wanted to see him, but it's so obvious that he's pissed and doesn't want to see me. I clench my jaw, turning my hands into fists just because I can never be satisfied with the outcomes of my actions. I'm my own persecutor, and knowing how much he's annoyed by now frustrates me, it's leading to nowhere but destruction, I hate this, I hate myself.

"hey you're back, how was your day?" I tried to be discreet but I'm not left unnoticed, so I decided to sit beside her, leaving my head onto her shoulder, I closed my eyes and sighed, I couldn't tell what was wrong to her, no the matter is different, I couldn't accept the wrongs in my head.

"I understand" she whispered while caressing my forehead, I've never felt so sleepy in my whole existence, the sensation of home is stronger than ever, I can finally be at ease.

"Tell me once you're ready."

in the end, they all want the same thing from me.

It's Monday and I'm at school, but I can't seem to find sunghoon just yet. I really want to see him, but besides the need of seeing him, a strong feeling of madness courses my veins, as if I held a grudge against him even if he's not at fault. The only thing he did was leaving me all by myself in bed, and ghosting my messages over a few things I've said to him.